Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Archive for the ‘future’ Category

I depart tomorrow, where I will drive out of the driveway of the house, which I’ve called “home” for 25 years, even if I haven’t exactly spent all of 25 of them living here. I suppose it’s fitting that in the 25th year, a quarter of a century, is the year I leave not just that house and the area, but most importantly the bigger city 40 miles east, the city that truly shaped me. Perhaps if I left the Midwest in the 17th year or 11th year or¬† any year that seems any less a milestone, I would have been ill prepared for what’s to come.

And what’s to come exactly? I haven’t a goddamn clue. As much as I’ve been sad and wistful about living Chicago¬† and my friends and my family, wishing I would have done things differently, wishing I would have treated myself better knowing now that it all works out – I can’t help but think about how lucky I am. In spite of all my confusion, the doubts in myself, the roller coaster of love and career I put myself on, I was never remotely close to falling off the track even when I was convinced I was falling. Those people I mentioned and this place made sure it wouldn’t happen.

Without being entirely overdramatic and serious, I feel like I should put this in perspective. Mention how I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of being able to pick myself up out of career and relationship that both let me down (or perhaps I let them down?) and go after something I’d only daydreamed about. And soon I’ll be actively doing it. It almost doesn’t make a difference where I’ll be doing it but to be able to live a pretty awesome city which is nothing like the one I’ve known. The stage being set for a honest to goodness new chapter starting for me? I feel like I don’t deserve it all.

Which of course is a lie, I mean, I do deserve it, we all do and perhaps we all get that new canvas in life in different ways unlike my own. My point is I’m making a promise to myself that I’m going to make the most of it. I promise to continue to try to learn from every experience and to see everyone who walks into my life as a teacher. I promise to be proactive rather than reactive and I promise to stop and take a deep breath and look around once in awhile.

I’m not naive or egotistical enough to think that now my life is perfect (That crazy positive stuff above really is only about my career. Love and relationships, well, that will be a struggle). But I am aware enough to understand how I got here and for that to go unappreciated would push me back a couple steps.

These next few months or maybe years are going to be challenging but how can I dread it or be frightened by it? I trusted myself enough to get to this point, and frankly my gut tells me the best is yet to come.

So until the holidays next year, I bid Chicago adieu. Thanks Chicago and your land for the memories, the occasional 4am bar, the 2003 National League Playoffs, and supporting the careers of not just my family but others who I was lucky enough to meet during my tenure here. I promise to brag about you and Texas will know I’m a non-native by my driving, which I could have only developed on your tollways and sharing the roads with your super fast and sometimes scary citizen drivers.

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Today I think I’ve reached the point the universe has been pushing and prodding me to reach.

After a quasi-emotional day, in which I let myself feel every emotion possible and really listen to it – hopefully my once a month allotment of crying too – I feel ready to:

– Start my career, with a job and the aches and pains and longing for the weekend that a not-so perfect but just right for right now job can bring

– Move out into a smaller than I’m used to but still just my own apartment

– Curse the city of Chicago for stupid things like parking tickets, slow tracks on the L and smelly people

– wishing I had just a little bit more money to buy something fancy but thankful I have just enough

– a refridgerator with the food I bought and I chose and that I don’t have to pick around because I would have fixed something else

– a me night full of bubble baths, a good book and a great glass of wine

– messy coffee tables with bills that should have been filed and take out menus

– a new routine in a new place with a new gym on a new campus

– old friends with in walking or L distance, perfect for a meet up for breakfast or drinks after work

– putting myself out there and risking new dates ending hilarious stories or just ending my dating forever

– a new experience with butterflies that feel me with anxious but elated feelings and excitement to see him again

– walking out the door on the way to work, thinking “I can’t believe I get to do this in my life. I’m finally here.” like I did the first day of college walking to class and again the first time I moved into the city.

I am soooooo ready for all of it. So universe, if your listening, I’m here and I can’t wait so feel free to send along all of it.

Happy Weekend, everyone. Hopefully the Magic Number will be 0 by Monday!! (Please Cubs!)

I am drowning in my own thoughts and I’m so sick of myself I could scream.

Now that I’ve gotten into one grad school I’m reluctant to do any other applications. It’s not a bad school. It’s in Chicago, it was my second choice. I wouldn’t settle. I am waitlisted at my top choice and I’m so disappointed that I don’t want to risk it again. But it’s due Sunday and I told myself I would, so I will. I do want options.

I’m frightened beyond belief I can’t go full time and afford it. I know it will all work out but I want to know HOW. Most bothersome is my dad wants to know HOW and I want to tell him so he’ll quit asking me.

I officially hate my job. I’m sure all small companies aren’t bad but one that is run by a scatterbrained artist are definitely not for me. I’ve hated it for awhile but I’ve resisted saying so because it makes it real.

Hating my job makes me want a new job but I’m not going to start a new job because I’m going to school in 3 months. And then I find one I really like, and I question everything all over again. I’m not going to deter though.

But since my boss and my boss’ boss left and I’m doing ALL the work, it’s been so intense I can’t think straight.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been completely reactive to my life. I used to be pro-active. Now I wait until things draw me into action, bills, friends, etc. This is not me.

I also tend to be a bit of a regretter – if that is a word, which spell check is telling me it’s not, deal – I keep wishing I could go back to 2004 when I was safe and I could stop myself from making the career choices I did. That sucks too.

And I got into an accident last week – my fault – no damage to me but some paint rubbed off of JERKFACE’s bumper. Who I wanted to calmly settle this claim but now he’s raised his damages to $500 more than his repair shop quoted. Sorry buddy, you can deal with my insurance now.

R’s been great – he knows I’m in a funk but isn’t pushing me. Although his joke telling rises during this time, which is nice until he reaches into his bad jokes.

All I know is that I want to get in my car and drive far away from here. That’s not fair, to me, to R, to my friends and my family.

So I’ve made an appointment with a therapist to get through some of this stuff. I’m sick of letting the fear win. It’s not going to win this time.


Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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