Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Archive for the ‘FREAKING OUT’ Category

Hello. I am about to  bust out onto a glorious 85 degree day and holiday weekend and well, I can’t possible concentrate on work.

  • It is graduation time!! I went to one this morning, and gosh darnit, they are really long but I fricking love it. I just walked down a hallway passing about 6 professors in full regalia and for a second, I thought I was at Hogwarts.
  • The date is still happening. Details not firm but there has been continous follow thru from his end, to make sure it’s happening. Also I’m trying not to put much into it, but I have to say this:  It is so nice when someone is considerate, recalls things you’ve said previously, wants your opinion, and has a sincere desire to get to know you. Men in their early to mid thirties rule. I almost feel bad for neglecting them before.
  • I just found out that Simon & Garfunkel wrote and sang Hazy Shade of Winter. I am floored. How did I not know this?? I mean, I guess I knew The Bangles couldn’t have written it but still, Simon & Garfunkel?? I would never have guessed.
  • I am seriously hating my hair. I got a FAB cut almost three weeks ago but I just can’t do anything with it. Then yesterday,  it occured to me that my hair cut resembles ‘The Rachel’ cut on a simpler scale and now I can’t get it out of my head. Everytime I look in the mirror I see the ‘The Rachel’. My new stylist is great and I know if I went back she’d be fine with it and hopefully fix it. I have SO MUCH hair but it’s really fine which limits the styles apparently, so this cut I currently have is the cut I always end up with no matter who I go or what age I am. Eventually it all grows out and I keep it long and then get it cut and go back to square 1. Part of me doesn’t want to be that wimp that goes back to the salon so I think I might go buy some product and perhaps a curling iron to see if I can at least get it into some style I can live with.
  • But back to the date, this will be the first first date I’ve had since 2004. The last first date started a almost 4 year relationship. But still I feel too young to have my last first date be 5 years ago. It’s probably no surprise that I’m flashing back to then as a guidepost. Thinking of things for reference. Uh yeah, that was like 20 lbs ago and I relied on getting stupid drunk to get me through. So those things aren’t going to work. But I know what I’m going to wear! Bonus!(?)

Anyway, it’s time for me to get the hell up on outta here (thought I’d pepper in some Texan for ya).  Have a lovely Memorial Day weekend!!


I’ve always told myself that I didn’t want to be that person that was just “stuck”. Stuck in a job that you can’t leave because financially it keeps you there. Stuck in a relationship in which you know you deserve better. Stuck in a dead-end town where you feel time stands still and the world “out there” was where you long to be.

Sidenote: I am a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen, more specifically 1975 Bruce – I could care less what he did after Born to Run. Anyway, all of his songs on Born to Run are about getting out of town. So now when I think of small towns, I can’t just say “small towns”, they have become “dead-end towns” or “two-light towns”. All thanks to Bruce. Bruuuuuuuuce.

For the last two years, I felt stuck in job(s) within an industry I was no longer interested. I was fortunate to make changes and start over, in a new career. However grad school was the cost of entry. And now there are less than five months until graduation, and I do  not know where I’ll be working, or living, or what I will be paid. I feel like there are too many loose ends, too many options – the fact that I have no idea how to get to a single one, the right one.

And while I’m pleased with my decision, it’s meant there have been significant changes. I look at my life before and after grad school. The woman before grad school,  is slowly becoming a distant memory. I have no idea who she is and I certainly do not resemble her any longer. For somethings (open mindedness, compassionate, less self centered) this is a good thing, for others (my body, my endurance) this is not.

I thought I had worked so hard on developing my own identity, particularly in the last couple of years, that now… now, I’m not sure any of it is left.  I wish I could look at this future of open possibility as a good thing, but I can’t. It scares me. And the lack of control as I feel myself changing and distancing myself from what I once was, overwhelms me.

I feel like a piece of paper in the wind, blowing around and around until it’s calm enough to settle. I’m fighting the wind every step of the way. I’m going to try to learn to let go, to learn to have “faith” in whatever happens, happens. But honestly, when I think of my future and what I look forward to most is a the spot I find for myself, where I can settle into a home, a job, a life, and a love and well, stick.

Less than two weeks to the big move folks. Meltdowns have started. My poor mom got the worst of it today. R is out in West By-God-Smile-When-You-Say-It Virginia making the world a better place, which makes me feel guilty for missing him.

This weekend I got a chance to see different friends on Friday, Saturday, and today, all of us trying to say our goodbyes without it being good byes. Tomorrow will be my best friend.

And I haven’t started packing or even wanting to GO THROUGH stuff. I’m in denial, this is not good folks.

So here are some words to myself, that I’d like myself to think about:

“This is the biggest goal you have ever had, and you are starting it. Can you believe it? Remember when it was something you tucked away in the back of your head. This is it!”

“You are finally doing what you love to do, how many people are that lucky??”

“You’ve never doubted this the right decision.”

“Remember how scared you when you were driving to college for the first time, or leaving to travel on your own for a year. Remember how quickly you adjusted and the comfort you felt? and the experiences you had there. This will take time but it will be an unforgettable opportunity, just like those.”

“You are strong and you can get through it.”

“You will remember how to study.”

“You will make friends.”

“This is your journey, unique and marching to a different drummer, just how you like it. You wouldn’t be YOU any other way.”

“No matter what, you will always be loved.”

That feels better.

This is going to be real quick because there is work here, at work, to be done.

I just need to get this out and hopefully I can concentrate.

Remember in Star Wars, that scene where Luke, Leia and Han Solo jump in to the trash compactor and they think they are safe? Then the walls, all 4 walls are closing in, with no stopping in sight and they realize they are going to get smushed? I know they get out, obviously but I really don’t care for Star Wars so I don’t remember how. That’s not the point.

The point is that this is a metaphor. And those 3 characters are me, and the walls, the walls are my life.

I have gone from the happy, blissful HOLY SH*T I’m living my dream to panic, just sheer panic. What a huge life change this will be. How am I going to do it, how am I going to pay for it. Loans, obviously – I have the tuition part paid for, but the living part – how do I do that?? And loans are not easy, my friends.

Relationship, what is going to happen. When are we finally going to have that talk – and can I instigate into a way without exploding from the nervousness and anxiety.

Moving, I feel so isolated now from my friends who have all grown up, moved out and have their own lives and new families. What will happen when I’m 5 hours away and not able to be around? “You’ll make new friends” everyone tells me. Yes, but my new friends are going to be 22 and excited and naive and glass eyed. I’m jaded and realistic and sometimes negative and I don’t know if I can relate.

And here – my replacement – the chaos I need to organize before Monday. And the fact that I won’t be here in July. Well, honestly that is a relief. I’m looking forward to not working for 6 weeks before I leave.

It’s all too much and I’m looking for a way out, as I always do. But I know I have to relax and focus on stopping one wall at a time.

But in the meantime I will be FREAKING OUT. And those negative thoughts and doubts are going to get louder and louder.

I just have to have faith that I will make it through – I always do.

I apologize for my writing, I’m do not write prose. This is boring but it helps me to get it out. It will all come out at somepoint to someone anyway. And here is where I start.


musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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