Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Last night in my homeland

Posted on: December 26, 2008

I depart tomorrow, where I will drive out of the driveway of the house, which I’ve called “home” for 25 years, even if I haven’t exactly spent all of 25 of them living here. I suppose it’s fitting that in the 25th year, a quarter of a century, is the year I leave not just that house and the area, but most importantly the bigger city 40 miles east, the city that truly shaped me. Perhaps if I left the Midwest in the 17th year or 11th year or  any year that seems any less a milestone, I would have been ill prepared for what’s to come.

And what’s to come exactly? I haven’t a goddamn clue. As much as I’ve been sad and wistful about living Chicago  and my friends and my family, wishing I would have done things differently, wishing I would have treated myself better knowing now that it all works out – I can’t help but think about how lucky I am. In spite of all my confusion, the doubts in myself, the roller coaster of love and career I put myself on, I was never remotely close to falling off the track even when I was convinced I was falling. Those people I mentioned and this place made sure it wouldn’t happen.

Without being entirely overdramatic and serious, I feel like I should put this in perspective. Mention how I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of being able to pick myself up out of career and relationship that both let me down (or perhaps I let them down?) and go after something I’d only daydreamed about. And soon I’ll be actively doing it. It almost doesn’t make a difference where I’ll be doing it but to be able to live a pretty awesome city which is nothing like the one I’ve known. The stage being set for a honest to goodness new chapter starting for me? I feel like I don’t deserve it all.

Which of course is a lie, I mean, I do deserve it, we all do and perhaps we all get that new canvas in life in different ways unlike my own. My point is I’m making a promise to myself that I’m going to make the most of it. I promise to continue to try to learn from every experience and to see everyone who walks into my life as a teacher. I promise to be proactive rather than reactive and I promise to stop and take a deep breath and look around once in awhile.

I’m not naive or egotistical enough to think that now my life is perfect (That crazy positive stuff above really is only about my career. Love and relationships, well, that will be a struggle). But I am aware enough to understand how I got here and for that to go unappreciated would push me back a couple steps.

These next few months or maybe years are going to be challenging but how can I dread it or be frightened by it? I trusted myself enough to get to this point, and frankly my gut tells me the best is yet to come.

So until the holidays next year, I bid Chicago adieu. Thanks Chicago and your land for the memories, the occasional 4am bar, the 2003 National League Playoffs, and supporting the careers of not just my family but others who I was lucky enough to meet during my tenure here. I promise to brag about you and Texas will know I’m a non-native by my driving, which I could have only developed on your tollways and sharing the roads with your super fast and sometimes scary citizen drivers.

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Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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