Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Archive for December 2008

I depart tomorrow, where I will drive out of the driveway of the house, which I’ve called “home” for 25 years, even if I haven’t exactly spent all of 25 of them living here. I suppose it’s fitting that in the 25th year, a quarter of a century, is the year I leave not just that house and the area, but most importantly the bigger city 40 miles east, the city that truly shaped me. Perhaps if I left the Midwest in the 17th year or 11th year or  any year that seems any less a milestone, I would have been ill prepared for what’s to come.

And what’s to come exactly? I haven’t a goddamn clue. As much as I’ve been sad and wistful about living Chicago  and my friends and my family, wishing I would have done things differently, wishing I would have treated myself better knowing now that it all works out – I can’t help but think about how lucky I am. In spite of all my confusion, the doubts in myself, the roller coaster of love and career I put myself on, I was never remotely close to falling off the track even when I was convinced I was falling. Those people I mentioned and this place made sure it wouldn’t happen.

Without being entirely overdramatic and serious, I feel like I should put this in perspective. Mention how I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of being able to pick myself up out of career and relationship that both let me down (or perhaps I let them down?) and go after something I’d only daydreamed about. And soon I’ll be actively doing it. It almost doesn’t make a difference where I’ll be doing it but to be able to live a pretty awesome city which is nothing like the one I’ve known. The stage being set for a honest to goodness new chapter starting for me? I feel like I don’t deserve it all.

Which of course is a lie, I mean, I do deserve it, we all do and perhaps we all get that new canvas in life in different ways unlike my own. My point is I’m making a promise to myself that I’m going to make the most of it. I promise to continue to try to learn from every experience and to see everyone who walks into my life as a teacher. I promise to be proactive rather than reactive and I promise to stop and take a deep breath and look around once in awhile.

I’m not naive or egotistical enough to think that now my life is perfect (That crazy positive stuff above really is only about my career. Love and relationships, well, that will be a struggle). But I am aware enough to understand how I got here and for that to go unappreciated would push me back a couple steps.

These next few months or maybe years are going to be challenging but how can I dread it or be frightened by it? I trusted myself enough to get to this point, and frankly my gut tells me the best is yet to come.

So until the holidays next year, I bid Chicago adieu. Thanks Chicago and your land for the memories, the occasional 4am bar, the 2003 National League Playoffs, and supporting the careers of not just my family but others who I was lucky enough to meet during my tenure here. I promise to brag about you and Texas will know I’m a non-native by my driving, which I could have only developed on your tollways and sharing the roads with your super fast and sometimes scary citizen drivers.

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So currently I am in the midst of a very heavy weather day in Chicago. Except it hasn’t happened yet.

If one had just moved here from regions unfamiliar with winter weather, one might be calling their loved ones to tell them how much they love them and to pray for them. If one listened to the weather forecast or their co-workers, they’d be convinced they are headed right into the barrel of the STORM OF THE CENTURY and just hope that they live through it.

That’s how much this thing has been hyped up.

Frankly, I’m a little suprised. Chicagoans are sort of used to this: really BIG DEAL weather headed our way and then in reality it’s 2 inches, totally managable, and yes, you still have to go into work. So typically there is cynicism in regards to this.

Typically.

It seems like today has created the perfect storm (pun intended) of weather in the news lead offs, anticipation and THUNDERSNOW. I’m going to speak to the best first – THUNDERSNOW apparently is a real meteorological phenomenon wherein it’s a thunderstorm but with snow. I personally think it’s tabloid weather forecasting but I’m psyched to hear/see it.

The second most important thing. Anticipation. This big storm was predicted to hit at 3pm with a Winter Storm Warning, then it was 5pm, then 7pm, then 9pm and now 11pm.

All of my Chicago friends on facebook can do is post statuses about the weather (and THUNDERSNOW – as an aside, I think THUNDERSNOW should always be in caps. Dramatic effect). I think everyone really just wants a Snow Day, these so rarely happen here.

So the anticipation, the non stop talk about the weather and THUNDERSNOW is either going to make everyone really happy tomorrow or really pissed.

And I’ll stay awake a little bit longer tonight, to hear the thunder and see the snow and maybe a Unicorn that will fly past my window (they can fly right? I mean if they are that mythical, they should be able to).

It’s currently 66 degrees in my new locale, winter will soon fade into memory. It will occur only on visits home, when I can’t take the cold and will vocally state “I don’t know how I lived through winter here”.

I certainly don’t want to miss THIS.

I’ve reflected on things I’ve done this weekend that might give off the impression that I’m elderly:

  • Fully obsessed with Sodoku. My mom loves it and I’ve found it to be soothing to take one of her Sodoku books and play a couple games in the evening
  • Watched 60 minutes
  • Repeatedly said “Oh my!” and “Well, isn’t that a shame?” on several occasions appropriate to conversation, whereas had I shown my true age, “Holy Shit!” and “That sucks” would have been used.
  • Worn a handmade afghan around the house.
  • Also, house slippers
  • Drank a Manhattan
  • cooked a pot roast

And I loved every minute of it. If it wasn’t my recent addiction to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia it would be hard to believe I’m going to be a sprite 31 in a few weeks, right?

Moving man: “Feels like we’re getting married with me making you sign all this stuff, huh?”

Me: “I hope you have good insurance”

90% of my life is packed in an a truck somewhere, waiting to be pulled off, stored, moved onto another truck, where eventually it better meet me in Texas.

So I don’t want to lament on my state’s fair governor being brought up on federal charges for lots of illegal stuff, not to mention the gov before him? Sitting in jail. Those political machines in Louisiana never had anything on Illinois, I’m afraid. But a couple thoughts from a day, when it truly felt like the world was revolving around Chicago:

1. I am SO thankful that this all went down AFTER November 4th. Because the cloud that hangs over Chicago politicians just became bigger, darker and menacing. I bet McCain is pissed this didn’t go down when it could have helped him.

2. There’s a lot of rumbling about Mayor Daley on the social media front whether or not he’s next. And while I admire Daley’s efforts to truly put Chicago on the map, which has transformed the city (it was such a different place and had far different attitudes about it before he was in office), I do recognize the Chicago machine. Even though he’s stayed clean while some of his staff have been indicted, Daley is far craftier and smarter than G-Rod could ever dream of being. I don’t worry about him in the least.

All of that being said, I would LOVE to see that Daley wrath, should this fiasco kill the 2016 bid. Bringing the Olympics to Chicago is Daley’s baby, despite many Chicagoans’ concerns,  and probably will be his legacy. Hell hath no fury like a Daley scorned.

Finally, there was news that made me happy today. The possiblity of a Full House remake!!!!!!!! The staple of my formative years coming back, AND John Stamos on board. Holy hell YES!

Groundbreaking stuff.

if I find out more about how shitty the economy is from Perez Hilton then anywhere else??

I mean, obviously, I don’t rely on PH for current events but I feel like it’s half celebrity gossip and half “this company is laying off X number of workers”.

Even this messed up economy is ruining my little escape!

But it’s a small world after all.

Tonight I found out that my past is directly connected to my present, and starting in 2009, what will be my future.

I don’t mean this to be cryptic, and it is much less important in words than in meaning. It has to do with people in my life who are connected to each other, unbeknownst to me until I reconnected with the past someone to let her know about my future.

But more than anything that has happened to me in the last 10 days. My faith is fully restored at levels I didn’t expect for a very long time. It is like I’ve been looking at my life as a map, with roads all over the place, smaller vessels intertwined, connecting the direct cause and effect of past actions. Except there is one major highway, it starts from one side of the map and curves into the middle and its’ mirror image from the other side, neither connecting but they look like they fit together. Tonight, I realized that final bridge, connector, what have you, was put in place and the road is complete.

I’m no longer selfish enough to think that the world revolves around me. In fact, one lesson I’ve learned is that perhaps I should give myself a little but more promenence than I have before.

But tonight, if for just one moment, even if it doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things, I feel the world’s rhythm in sync with my own.  I look forward to more of my major highways on my journey finding their missing connection. I now know they will.

I wouldn’t have changed anything, and that finally, is the point.


Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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