Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Archive for July 2008

Still not feeling it – pretty sure I’m emotionally blocked at the moment, nothing’s getting through.

But! I do have something random to share.

My name forms 17,400 anagrams! 17,400!! Isn’t that a ton of words formed out of my name?!

That seems like an awful lot and some of the words, I don’t consider to be words, really. 

Here is my favorite out of the first 1,000. Feel free to call me:

Grannie Mash Me

I’ve got to figure out how to integrate this into my life somehow.

Check out this site, and find your favorite anagram.

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Graduation was this weekend. I’m done. I have a Masters degree. It didn’t feel like anything I wanted it to feel, there was really no sense of accomplishment, and while my parents and I took time to celebrate, we dove into the next phase: packing.

I’m having a REALLY hard time with packing. I had ideas for this post to analyze why this whole end of the masters experience seems to be a low point rather than the high I had thought. I wanted to talk about how I think as a society we are all taught that the only worthwhile journeys lead to a destination, graduate = land a job, relationship = getting married. And that because I don’t have a destination yet, I cannot validate my own experience. And this is what makes packing difficult. Because I’m packing for a storage unit. Which is crap and probably suggests that I have serious issues.

I also am having a tough time blogging – I don’t really think it’s for me. I’m a conversation person and while I’m a good story teller (so I’ve been told) I loathe talking about myself. I read others’ blogs and marvel at the talent they have in turning the ordinary, but often extraordinary, things in their life into funny and fascinating reads on like a daily basis! I’m definitely a verbal over math girl, but it just doesn’t flow. I don’t want to give up on blogging but I think I’m going to have to think about it a little bit more.

As I continue to process through my own emotions but also keep me writing, I thought I’d add in a conceptual element. Typical Tuesdays are going to be things that are only typical to me, probably negative in nature, definitely sarcastic but open to good things too. So here we go..

– It’s typical that the guy across from me, known as stalker guy, that every flipping time I go outside is also outside watching me…. is married. This not only makes me an idiot but also means my gay-dar is seriously in need of a tune up, or just non-existent.

– It’s typical that my cat, which my parents took back with them, is having absolutely NO adjustment issues there, a place she has only been twice before. This after I was still had adjustment issues with her HERE last week.

– It’s typical that after I had grown out of my “Bachelor” loving phase I am now hooked on to a show called “Must Love Kids”. A show about 3 single moms dating 7 guys trying to find love. And they break up with them by pulling them aside and stating it’s not going to work OR just announcing it in front of everyone, “last one picked for the team” style.

– It’s typical that I find my “wondertwin” in my program, a girl that shares the same opinion as me on almost everything AND went through a bad break up of her own (and is still ongoing, just like me), one week before she leaves to work at Duke. ARGH.

– It’s typical that after a stupid fight with the Ex, in which I totally started to push him away, basically ended things with no communication moving forward and now that I know I was in the wrong, I feel a stupid need to apologize. But I don’t want to risk anything but it’s killing me not to be able to rectify this.

– It’s typical that in fear that my own cap – of the cap and gown notion – would not fit my huge head (seriously, most hats don’t fit my head) I argued forever with my mom to bring her sewing kit and elastic to make adjustments. I won on the point that she is in denial that anything would be abnormal of me (ha!) because I’m her child. Only to pull the cap out the night before to SHOW her and find that it already is stitched with elastic and could fit my head just fine.

So I have a teeny, nay, HUGE obsession with libraries. As in I want to live in one. I have yet to meet a library I didn’t like – okay, I take that back, the little Chicago public library on Melrose in Roscoe Village was tres disappointing… but I refuse to think it was awful, just not fortunate to have a large selection (of anything). The original library in my hometown probably started the love, it was an old YWCA converted in the early 20th century into the library . It was kind of dark, a little dingy, and cramped with so many books that it was difficult to stand in the aisles at some parts (which it is why it has long since moved to a more modern facility specifically built but not nearly as charming). My love was definitely cemented at my grandparents’ house when I discovered that there was more to my grandfathers’ den than a little TV and really uncomfortable couches – there were shelves of books!! And it only seemed to add to the history of the house, and I found myself spending time with my grandfather watching his beloved Opera, not for the love of it but because I loved being surrounded in a small room with all those books.

Why I am not a librarian – as my parents predicted I would be when I was two years old – I have absolutely no idea, but I figure I’ve got plenty of life to live for that. It also should be noted that on the same car ride as my prediction, they also predicted my little sister would be a professional wrestler because at the time I was content with my books in the car, she was thrashing them out of my hands. They clearly did not know their children well, as my sister is the most feminine thing ever and even works in fashion. Anyway.

My love pretty much exploded in middle school when I saw the Disney animated classic, Beauty and the Beast. It was there that I saw this:

I’m sure that there were millions of young girls who saw this movie and thought, Gee, Belle is so lucky because her beast turned out to be a handsome Michael Bolton looking prince! Whereas I thought, HOLY COW BELLE GETS TO LIVE WITH A LIBRARY!!

That was the day I decided that someday, someDAY, my prince will come in the form of a library of my very own in my house. I haven’t gotten rid of a book since. I have boxes at my parents house, of books that outgrew my bookshelves and are just waiting for that future home. I even chose to live in Rogers Park for crying out loud, mostly because of the low rent but MOSTLY because it had a built-in fireplace and 10 feet of bookshelves in the wall. It was glorious. Living there sucked, but the bookshelves were glorious.

So, last week I’m working in the Honors College here and I step into their library, as you do, to wrap up my student advising and notice that all the books on the shelves were for sale for 50 cents. I came home with a book of New Yorker short stories and three volumes of the Anthology of British Literature.

I might get around to reading them – although Beowulf has turned me off to anything remotely associated with British Literature – but I know they’ll have a good home… eventually.

It must be noted that I am not a freak for wanting a library, “the love is real and it is strong“, because everyone I tell this to, either has the same dream or totally gets it. However I do realize that basing the model of my dream off of a Disney movie could be misconstrued. I am so OK with that!

* if you have no life like moi

  • You learn pretty quickly how crappy your general iTunes catalog is when you are on Yahoo IM and your status is the song you are listening to. I prefer to keep my obsession with Heart to myself but I forget sometimes…
  • Fourth of July was interesting. I needed to get the hell out of town, and NOT to Chicago and I had a friend offering her lakehouse in Michigan and so we went. As did 51 of her family members. It was fun and I’ve always wanted a big family. But holy crap, silence and not sharing a room with 12 other people is SACRED. As are friendly 3 year olds, as opposed to the one I met, and tried to be friends with, who I’m pretty sure was mocking me with his grumpy face and blatant disregard for my attempts at pleasantness. But my friend’s mom was really sweet and I think felt bad for me that I do not have a job yet. She’s a spiritual lady and gave me a mantra to say to myself, so that was nice.
  • Fuck, my iTunes library sucks! I’ve had to change two songs already
  • Right now, unless miracles upon miracles happen, it looks like I will be moving my stuff into storage and moving back to my parents for the time being. I’m not so annoyed with not having a job as I’m annoyed with the idea of moving twice. And quite frankly, I feel like I’m supposed to end up in Chicago because I have learned a lot about myself this year and I think I have amends to make with relationships I left there, not just him, but friends as well. It is much easier for me to move and start over than to go back and face the music.
  • I’ve been applying to all sorts of jobs over the last 3 days, and I’m actually having fun doing it! CRAZY. But I’ll be glad not to have to do them any more. I think the key is having the cover letter and just modifying it.
  • I’m not at all interested in men anymore. Women have never been an interest of mine either so it’s pretty boring over here, people. The Ex and I have had some pretty interesting breakthroughs in the last couple of weeks, mostly that the main issues we struggled with no longer seem to be an issue for him anymore. While I KNEW this would happen, I had hoped that it would happen while we were together but it looks like it had to take him to lose me to figure shit out. However, I’ve noticed that the things that I used to find charming and endearing about him, and are SO HIM they’ll always be there, I now find annoying and won’t put up with it. I think this weekend we are finally going to see each other to do the exchanging of the stuff. I don’t care about his stuff but he has a ton of my books. Plus, I don’ t think I’ve actually experienced closure yet, and I’m interested to see how I will feel actually seeing him. I’m either going to get clarity or make really bad life decisions. So that’s nice.
  • What the hell is going on with that P.S. I Love You movie?? I had to turn it off, I thought it was so horrible. My best friend told me she LOVED it and bawled through it. Fine. I am kind of a snob, so it didn’t surprise me she and I disagreed. Well, then last night the Ex told me he thought that movie was awesome and he cried 100 times. WHAT THE HELL?? This is the same guy who favors bands on independent labels and even he couldn’t see through that Hallmark card of a mess??  And then he recommended Definitely Maybe too. I’ve also turned into a  jaded freak and it’s possible that all jaded people in the world now believe in love and flowers and shit. I’m sure it’s just me.

My mother just informed me that they are going to see Ted Nugent tonight and my dad told me that he got new glasses today. He is very excited because they are Versace.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a positive person. Was it the Care Bear that used to be followed by a raincloud?? Whatever his name is, I GOT HIM. Oscar the Grouch, as a kid, thought he was ugly but I got it. I can fake positivity EXTREMELY well, but I don’t fake it well enough to believe it. I hate that eventually every good feeling I have turns into a Negative Nelly stream of consciousness that can be to compared to starting with a hydrogen atom and ending up with the Atomic bomb. (I am not sure if this makes sense scientifically, and honestly I don’t care. SEE WHAT I MEAN?!)

I think it’s because of my gut, my gut is usually right. I don’t want my gut to be negative right now, not about this thing. But I can’t stop, I took a nap this afternoon just to turn my brain off. I have been watching my phone for the call all day and finally had to put it away.

I hate this feeling. Whatever the outcome, I KNOW I will be okay. I KNOW I will end up in the right place. But I’m sick of going through hell to get there. I’m sick of nothing ever being easy for me. This sounds so childish, I know. I also consider and mostly appreciate taking the hard way because it’s so me, but I’m so OVER IT. I also know I have no reason to worry… yet. But I do, and it’s crappy and my fog can’t save me this time.

I worry that I’ve done this wrong, I’m still thinking about answers to interview questions I didn’t think about at the time. I worry that I’ve spoken too much about it, gotten too excited. Imagined my life there too intensely that it’s waiting to fall. I even tried to put The Secret (which I DESPISE) into use and can’t even believe in that long enough to stop the negative thoughts.

I just came from outside and saw an ant on the ground and literally thought as the ant was “running” in circles, “Wow, it must be nice to be an ant. They don’t need money, they don’t have to job search. They live in the outdoors and do what they have to do and that’s it.”

Okay, SERIOUSLY.

But I made the mistake of calling my mom to talk it out and get some encouragement, which after 30 years I should have learned is the totally wrong thing to do. I love her but man, she sucks at encouraging me. A lot of words and empty promises and the knowledge that she can’t relate to me, makes for one bummer of a conversation. Which led to wishing to be an ant.

Strangely, now I feel better.


Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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