Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Have a little faith in me

Posted on: June 16, 2008

I think this fog I’m in might be lifting. I have a tendency to find fog, when I think I need time, and pull it over like a warm security blanket. I fall off the grid a little, keep to myself but moreover operate within my own head until I can put words and thoughts to the feelings I’m going through. I’ve always done this and the solitude is something I seek. I excel at finding the fog in the midst of normal perfectly every day activities, working, seeing friends, being at a party. I find the fog briefly and then return to it when I can have time to sort it out.

I don’t like to share the fog with anyone else. It’s not that I don’t think other people might have their own fog too, it’s just my fog is so familiar to me, it is my comfort. I dare not let anyone in under my blanket as it only feels like room for one.

I had two really great phone calls this weekend. The first was with my best friend, the sister I chose for life. We’ve always been on the same wavelength, never have I felt such complete acceptance and understanding from a friend before. Lately though, we’ve just been off. Our wavelengths not far away from each other but not synching either. Yesterday during our two hour phone call, we found it. Both of us going through similar job hunts (of course) and her relationship concerns I went through a year or two earlier. Neither of us found the solution to what was aching us but I think the conversation gave us that warmth.

Then one of my favorite people I’ve met at grad school called. He worked in my office, was a senior and recently graduated. We gravitated to each other since we started our jobs in August. For whatever reason, he asked me questions about his life and plans and I just told him what I thought. Soon after he asked me to be his mentor. He’ll be leaving at the end of the summer to start graduate school in the same field as I. He is an amazing human being and I’m so glad we became friends. He called me tonight to tell me he missed me and that he was talking about me to a neighbor who happens to be a Chancellor of a college in his town. (Oh, and he was cast in his local production of High School Musical, naturally). We spent an hour catching up in the three weeks since we last saw each other. The last time I saw him was our farewell lunch, he was leaving a few days later. As we were saying goodbye, I realized I didn’t know when I’d see him again as our paths were taking us into separate directions. We hugged each other and I got choked up and told him I wasn’t saying good bye because I’d see him soon. He whispered, “I hope you know how much you meant to me this year. Your future students are so lucky.”

I am almost a month from graduating with a Master’s degree. I am no smarter than I was a year ago, although my brain does process differently. While I did learn a lot in the classroom, and I made APA style *my* bitch, the greatest things I learned had nothing to do with my profession, but rather with myself. I’ve learned that my gut instinct is almost never wrong, that my worth is greater than I know, friendships are not to be taken lightly and that I cannot continue to be so private and expect them to be healthy, a loving relationship must not overpower my own individuality and my biggest accomplishment is finding my own truth, and having faith in that truth.

I have no idea where my next path will take me. I will never admit this to my family and friends but it breaks my heart that I will not be going back to Chicago, I am devastated my life did not take hold while I lived there, like it’s done for so many others. Yet, I have gotten everything I’ve ever wanted for myself, and I’m not so sure Chicago was what I wanted, deep in my soul, I think I knew something would be waiting elsewhere. I think it could have been the easy way out, the perfectly wrapped gift, perhaps the one that looks pretty on the outside but goes unused in the corner of my room, collecting dust. Perhaps, I’ll never know. But in life, given the option of choosing safe over the unknown, I choose the unknown, always have.

My new life could be down the road, in a fantastically cultural and healthy city in Indiana. It could lie just over the Appalachian mountains, in a burgeoning metropolis with an university experience completely opposite of my own but with great vision. Or just maybe it lies in the East Bay, off of the San Francisco Bay, in a studio apartment, without a car, and truly forcing me to shed some of my own baggage and taking a risk.

I’ll know soon enough. But for right now, I’m going to enjoy this period of not knowing, celebrating the accomplishments and dreaming of the possibilities. Whereever I end up, I know my fog will join me. But perhaps I won’t need the fog as much as I thought.


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musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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