Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Obama Take the Wheel*

Posted on: May 5, 2008

I made a trip up to the the homeland at the end of last week – got to sleep in my old bed and see my parents for the first time since Christmas, got to drive in Chicago rush hour (god, I miss the racetrack driving of Illinois’ drivers), and I had my BIG interview on Friday, only to drive back down to Indiana Friday night.

It was a good trip and per usual with Mom, I didn’t leave without a present. However, this time I was pleasantly surprised. I can’t tell you how many pens I have with my name on it or pads of paper with the first initial of my first name – and then once I got a cat, it became trinkets and junk with cats on it. I know that she longs to still be a big part of my life and this is her way of showing me she cares – and I do appreciate it, but once you have one pack of “lifeisbusting” pens – haven’t you had them all?? Anyway, we tease her about her habit, and I still get random packs of cat post-its for Valentine’s Day.

However, this time, when she told me she had a present for me, and I cringed while trying to muster up some greatful response to magnets and office supplies… she gave me a car air freshener. Not just any car air freshener – but an OBAMARAMA air freshener!! It was amazing. Mostly, because I grew up in the most Republican city in the most Republican county in the state of Illinois, and while I’ve broken free from the chains, my parents have taken their time to see the light (although my dad will vote independent at will). So this is kind of a big deal, that Moms thought to buy me a Democrat – and at least she got the right one!

Also, the Senator is pretty rad, although to be honest, the picture frightens me a little. It’s just so CLOSE up – and there is a mole that is quite apparent, which alarms me a little. His picture is on both sides so he’s always looking at me. Also the fragrance is kind of foul, it actually smells like this crazy/amazing lotion I once bought at a sexy time party. According to the package, it’s supposed to get rid of the Republican stink. But that aside, it was cool to have the Senator hanging from my rear view mirror. I’ve never had anything hang from that in Apple (yes this is my car’s name – she’s red, and if Gwenyth can do it…).

I found myself relying a little bit more on the Senator during my car drive. When we were stuck in Friday evening Chicago traffic and I was thinking about the 4 more hours I had left go, I wondered outloud if I could really do this, and then I’d see him looking at me and I’d say “Yes, I Can!!”. Then there were the too often times when my thoughts got rather deep (as they tend to do while driving alone) and I was getting a little sad, and I’d catch the Senator’s big toothy grin, and I’d smile too. There were also the times when I got lost trying to take a short cut back into my Indiana town, and my heart would stop because I thought I would catch a reflection of a ghost in the dark, DARK road, and then I’d realize it was just the Senator swirling around on his string. He totally punk’d me on that one. It’s so cheezy and a bumper sticker would be more effective in amassing the votes, but I rather like the tacky foul smelling Obama air freshener in my car.

I should have brought him in my house and hung him around my neck because the rest of the weekend was emotionally heartwrenching and exhausting. No matter how hard I try, and maybe I’m not trying enough, I’m still not over the Ex. I don’t think it helps we still talk – and this weekend we had a two day conversation about what we both want. It seems we both want to be with each other – but our definitions are QUITE different. I’m refusing to compromise and rather than listening to what I had to say, he would rather deconstruct my argument based on the dynamics of a debate and tear it apart. And I refuse to let it die. I don’t know WHY. (but there was a guy, who said he could fly, so he baked a pie… I’ll stop, I blame Happy Gilmore) I’ve pretty much pushed him away, and I went for his sore spot – something I’d be dying to say for YEARS, and took the brutally honest approach (which although in theory sounds good, never, never works). So now it’s strained and I’m sure it’s probably a good thing. Maybe now I’ll get the clarity I need. I just don’t think it has to be this hard. Sure, good relationships are work and they should be, but I don’t want to feel like I’m fighting for it all the time. I want a guy who KNOWS he wants to be with me, and move past the baggage to do it. I’m tired of feeling like I have convince him that it’s his own idea to want to be with me.

To make matters worse, I emailed my best friend about what I was thinking and what I was going through, and she took two sentences to give me her thoughts before she went on about her love life. Now, she’s always made it about her but she can balance it well. But she’s in her first serious relationship. They’ve been dating for two months, and she moved in. For financial reasons, before they met the parents, before they said I love you (although that has since happened). And I love her and I love that she is happy but OMG, seriously??! Seriously. And I can’t say anything, she’s in charge of her own life – although if the situation was reversed… I don’t know, this is probably an additional post. I don’t want to be a whiny and poor me, and I know that I am probably bitter and jealous, which makes me feel worse.

I know it’s just a matter of time, before everything is revealed to me, with the job (please, a job!) and the location and I’ll look back at this and be happy I went through it, because it will bring me to place I only prayed would happen to me. But right now, I’d rather just sleep until I can wake up and everything feels normal again.

*Driving back, I thought of numerous other phrases like:

– What would Obama do?

– Obama is my homeboy (which is not original)

– Obama is the passenger in my car

– Obama 3:16


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musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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