Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Archive for May 2008

Uh… God?

That sign you sent today by way of a FedEx package? Just wanted to let you know I got it. I mean I *got* it. My heart is open, so do what you think is best, of course. If this is where you think I should head next, I’m trusting.  I have to say, judging by the materials in the box, you know me pretty well.




My new favorite word is clarificative. I’m taking this assessment/methodology class right now and it’s killing me. (I don’t mind the material, actually like the work, but class for 3.5 hours two times a week… Sunburn) Anyway, we discovered yesterday that we are pretty sure the authors of our textbook made up words. Clarificative…evaluablity… and self-metavevaluate. Then we realized that none of us speak fluent Research so they are probably valid. But clarificative is my favorite. It sounds like a flower. And every time I say it, I think of it as a full name: Clara Ficative. What a cool name!!

Also at the end of class, our professor asked us if we wanted to stay longer to finish the material or if he should push it back. (uh, DUH) I started and got the class to join in saying “Push it back, push it back, wayyyyyyy back!” And he did! Then I decided to educate my classmates on my favorite cheers, which occur at Stanford, at least the non-Latin ones: “Increase aggregate yardage!” (football) and “Pursue him! Pursue him! Make him relinquish the ball!” (basketball). I love those cheers and I wasn’t even a cheerleader!

Last night I had cereal for dinner. I made the horrible error of purchasing Chocolate Chex – horrible in an oaky afterbirth kind of way. Awful. Anyway, I was so tired, like falling asleep at the ‘puter tired and  at an earlier than normal (but normal for everyone else) time for me. So I went with it and left my soggy cereal and milk on my desk. Whatever. I was so excited to actually fall asleep normally, I didn’t care. Serves me right. This morning I get up to eat breakfast/email/whatever (clearly the theme is I’m addicted to the internet) and I notice all over my computer screen and on the WALL are dried chocolate milk droplets. My cat had a date with my cereal. Apparently it went really well. I literally stood there for 10 minutes before cleaning it up, investigating the milk splatter. What exactly did she do, judging from the angles of the milk splatter it appeared she got her face in the milk and shook it, do cats shake off liquid like dogs do with water? Hmmmm. Seriously. I did this. Then I realized what I was doing.

Yesterday I had a really nice conversation with my FPP (favorite people person – the second p isn’t necessary but I think it adds to the acronym) about her birthday plans. She’s trying to get people together to get a hotel room down in Indy and go out – and I know that her girlfriend is planning some surprises for her birthday. It’s not I like I don’t want to go, but my summer fundage is tighter than my pants lately. So i was explaining my situation, and she even offered to pay for my share of the hotel and drinking funds so I could go. And it’s her birthday. It was so sweet and I felt like such a jerk. I told her I would rework some numbers (I’m very attached to my budget lately) to see how I could work it out. Then I get home, check my mail and literally I got a check in the mail. Enough cash to have a great time and do other things. Granted, it was a reimbursement check for a job I wanted but apparently they liked blondes. But still. Karma is AWESOME!

In my final story tonight, this is an honest to real conversation I had yesterday. Scene: I was speaking to two women who have lived in Indiana their whole lives (per the norm) about my experiences with the Indy 500 last weekend.

Me:… so, I had no idea how Indianans… Is that right Indianans????

Two women: Hoosiers.

Me. Oh, right. Hoosiers. God! I live here and maybe actually really live in this state next year! I need to embrace this.

Uh, DUH.

So I have been having (ed. note: I can’t spell or use grammar properly) real issues sleeping the past couple weeks. Not quite hallucinatory insomnia or anything but it’s been a struggle. Can’t fall asleep. When I finally do, I sleep way past my alarm and usually awaken around noon or 1pm. (You: Must be nice. Me: Not really, because I feel like my day is shot and I’m a mega failure) This happens when I’m stressed. I take Simply Sleep occasionally – non habit forming sleep meds – but I think it makes me sleep harder and longer and I also think they are just a placebo, so who the f knows.

Today, however, I was able to wake with my alarm. Hallelujah! But perhaps the most disturbing reason I woke up was the Little House on the Prairie rerun that was on my tv when I woke. That’s right. I actually wanted to see how Ma and Pa Ingalls would pay off their tab at the Olson’s general store by working together to scrape up the money, and thus leave the store (and snooty Harriet Olson) with their heads held high. I actually did put on my glasses to see it. Particularly, when Mary was helping an elderly neighbor with chores and got paid. Isn’t she supposed to be blind?, I wondered. I guess that comes later. What really roused me though was Charles Ingalls telling Mrs Ingalls (why can’t they call her by her first name?) “The only thing I regret about marrying you, is that I can’t ask you to be my wife again” after he saw her plowing the fields with an ox (or a donkey? I have no idea). Awww. Charles always says the right things.

This whole thing is particularly ironic because as a young girl and when LHOTP used to play daily during the summer of my youth, I was usually eating breakfast before I had to bike to swim practice. I also had to fight with my sister as to what show we would watch. I preferred Dukes of Hazzard, reminding me of the South from which we had just moved, while little sis loved LHOTP, which therefore I hated.

And now the Ingalls family is the only thing that could wake me up. Oh, and also a paper I have to write today. Whatever.

Also, today is Carb Day in the great state of Indiana. If you are like me you might have thought, “Score!! Pizza and bread and cheese all day long!” And if you ARE like me, first, I’m sorry and second, you are wrong. Although nice try, because it’s not like your friends really explain it in their facebook statuses anyway.

No, unfortunately everything in May in Indiana revolves around the Indy 500. Here is Wikipedia’s answer to the Carb Day tradition:

The final practice session before the race, currently held on the Friday before race day, is called “Carburetion Day” (shortened to “Carb Day” since 2000). The name originally came from the fact that it was the final session where teams could tune their carburetors in conditions similar to those that may be encountered on race day. The name has remained despite the fact that no qualified car has used a carburetor since 1963. A pit stop competition, rock concert (sometimes a rap concert), and the Firestone Indy Lights Series Freedom 100 are also currently held on Carb Day. (source: Wikipedia, therefore who the heck knows)

Stone Temple Pilots are playing tonight and I’m headed to the parade tomorrow. That is, if I wake up in time.

Have a wonderful holiday weekend!!

  • At the risk of sounding like Seinfeld, organic prices, what *is* the deal with that?? Seriously. After receiving very real images of myself in photographic form, taken VERY recently, I’ve decided I need to start eating healthy again and not pretend everything I put in my mouth is not going to affect me. Bless Meijer. Bless. They actually have their own organic food line and typically the chain is known for it’s value. It’s also the only place in town I can go to buy organic food. But holy hell, I thought I was bleeding money when I paid. It’s expensive. But worth it. Eating well is worth it, this is my new mantra.
  • Bridal showers are SOOOOOOO much better without games. I can NOT stress this enough. Old and good friends spending time together. That’s all that matters. And the presents were great, it didn’t take all day. And once again my duty as the bow-collector-for-the-rehearsal-bouquet lives on. I’ve lost track at how many times I’ve done this. It looked like a hot mess too but everyone liked it. I have no idea why.
  • I had the opportunity to make a couple horrible life decisions this weekend, but due to logistical errors my sensible self decided against. And while it would have felt goooooooood, I just don’t think it with the right thing to do. And that would have made it really really hard, after the fact. I was breaking down the situation to my best friend last night and she said, for the first time in discussing this ongoing sitch, I conveyed my thoughts to her in such a logical and sensible way with conviction she has never heard before. Part of me was like “What? I’m always logical, sensible and I have convictions” but then most of me knew what she meant and smiled.
  • Job Search 2008 is ongoing. Apparently Chicago doesn’t want me, which is hilarious because now I really want her. This really could summarize a lot of my relationships. Late. to. the. game. Anyway, the only serious thing I have is that I’m a finalist at another school in Indiana. I have a lot of stuff out there so I hope something becomes serious soon so I can have choices. The idea of living in Indiana seriously, like changing my driver’s license and stuff, is so incredibly depressing. But at least it’s out of this hick town and in one that is much more lively and offer something of a dating/activity scene. I know the right fit is out there for me, I’m not too worried. yet.
  • There is a huge f*cker of a fly zipping around my head/room/townhouse. It is so fast I can’t locate it, although I can hear it. It is making my cat go CRAZY. Ugh.
  • Serious thoughts revolving around kittens lately. Not just because they are adorable, because they are. Mostly because I think Savannah needs a friend, I don’t my limited time with her is ever enough. Right now I’m in the process of trying to figure out if it’s a friend she needs or if I’m not doing a good job as her owner. I think it’s the former, only because she lived with her brothers and sisters at the shelter for so long, I think she would do great with another cat. We’ll see. I feel like I shouldn’t do anything with an obvious move coming up in two months. But wheee!!
  • The most annoying person ever is in my program. She’s a silent annoyer though because it only took 8 months for her to be this annoying. I recently spent a week with my classmates on an immersion trip and I am definitely not the only one that feels this way, which makes me feel better. I wish I could show how she acts on here to prove my point but I’m not that mean. She’s a breathy talker, soft and all “hiiiiiiii guys….” with a high voice. She’s a dancer so she prances all the time. She doesn’t take a compliment unless it’s from a gay male, and then she’s all happy. She also really insulted some of my lgbt friends when she directly and indirectly contributed to making fun of being gay. I know she’s sheltered and she’s struggling to find her own opinion but it’s so frustrating. I told my friends I want to adopt her and have her live with me for a year so I could give her assignments like “Read these legitimate news sources about universal health care and the candidates’ positions. Report back to me in your own words, what the issue is and who you support and why by 5pm”. Today in class, she was so slow writing because she loves her handwriting so she has to take her time, that she was copying off my notes and reading off of the book I was reading, when I should have been paying attention. Holy mother of pearl, I almost lost my shizz right there. Also she has a job already. WTF?
  • Finally, I can NOT stop thinking about an old old old boyfriend of mine. We dated the summer before my senior year of college. I was way into him, he was way into me, only I didn’t believe him and we broke up because I didn’t have time for him (his words). Actually, I was playing hard to get. BUSTED. After my own break up this fall, we got back in touch briefly, but I think he could smell the rebound and it was short lived. I can’t explain it, and at the risk of sounding totally desperate or whatever, there is something about him. I really don’t think our first relationship counts, one because when he asked if we were bf/gf that summer, I told him “Um… I think we are just dating”, and two, because I was 21 and clearly a MORON. He lives in my hometown, still single, never married and more jaded by the second, time will tell I know but I can’t shake this feeling. (at least it’s not about my most recent ex, so I’m going with it).

But anyway, Memorial Day is coming up! And in Indiana that means Indy 500, or as I like to say “Indy who the heck cares?”. However, I have been conned into going to the parade on Saturday because basically “it’s the only time celebrities come to Indiana”. So here’s hoping…

I’m really trying to listen, listen to the mistakes, listen to those who enter my life, if only briefly, listen to my heart, stretching my ears to hear something I might be missing. The silence is deafening at times, the loneliness is deep, yet all of it is familiar. I take comfort in the hard way, which has become my way.

I’m missing it, alright, and I can’t figure out what it is. I will not panic, I will not act out of insecurity and anxiety. But I’m going to take a step back. I will shut down my senses, and listen to my gut. What is right, is right around the corner, this I know.

Now, all that is left to do… is believe.

Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

– Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

I made a trip up to the the homeland at the end of last week – got to sleep in my old bed and see my parents for the first time since Christmas, got to drive in Chicago rush hour (god, I miss the racetrack driving of Illinois’ drivers), and I had my BIG interview on Friday, only to drive back down to Indiana Friday night.

It was a good trip and per usual with Mom, I didn’t leave without a present. However, this time I was pleasantly surprised. I can’t tell you how many pens I have with my name on it or pads of paper with the first initial of my first name – and then once I got a cat, it became trinkets and junk with cats on it. I know that she longs to still be a big part of my life and this is her way of showing me she cares – and I do appreciate it, but once you have one pack of “lifeisbusting” pens – haven’t you had them all?? Anyway, we tease her about her habit, and I still get random packs of cat post-its for Valentine’s Day.

However, this time, when she told me she had a present for me, and I cringed while trying to muster up some greatful response to magnets and office supplies… she gave me a car air freshener. Not just any car air freshener – but an OBAMARAMA air freshener!! It was amazing. Mostly, because I grew up in the most Republican city in the most Republican county in the state of Illinois, and while I’ve broken free from the chains, my parents have taken their time to see the light (although my dad will vote independent at will). So this is kind of a big deal, that Moms thought to buy me a Democrat – and at least she got the right one!

Also, the Senator is pretty rad, although to be honest, the picture frightens me a little. It’s just so CLOSE up – and there is a mole that is quite apparent, which alarms me a little. His picture is on both sides so he’s always looking at me. Also the fragrance is kind of foul, it actually smells like this crazy/amazing lotion I once bought at a sexy time party. According to the package, it’s supposed to get rid of the Republican stink. But that aside, it was cool to have the Senator hanging from my rear view mirror. I’ve never had anything hang from that in Apple (yes this is my car’s name – she’s red, and if Gwenyth can do it…).

I found myself relying a little bit more on the Senator during my car drive. When we were stuck in Friday evening Chicago traffic and I was thinking about the 4 more hours I had left go, I wondered outloud if I could really do this, and then I’d see him looking at me and I’d say “Yes, I Can!!”. Then there were the too often times when my thoughts got rather deep (as they tend to do while driving alone) and I was getting a little sad, and I’d catch the Senator’s big toothy grin, and I’d smile too. There were also the times when I got lost trying to take a short cut back into my Indiana town, and my heart would stop because I thought I would catch a reflection of a ghost in the dark, DARK road, and then I’d realize it was just the Senator swirling around on his string. He totally punk’d me on that one. It’s so cheezy and a bumper sticker would be more effective in amassing the votes, but I rather like the tacky foul smelling Obama air freshener in my car.

I should have brought him in my house and hung him around my neck because the rest of the weekend was emotionally heartwrenching and exhausting. No matter how hard I try, and maybe I’m not trying enough, I’m still not over the Ex. I don’t think it helps we still talk – and this weekend we had a two day conversation about what we both want. It seems we both want to be with each other – but our definitions are QUITE different. I’m refusing to compromise and rather than listening to what I had to say, he would rather deconstruct my argument based on the dynamics of a debate and tear it apart. And I refuse to let it die. I don’t know WHY. (but there was a guy, who said he could fly, so he baked a pie… I’ll stop, I blame Happy Gilmore) I’ve pretty much pushed him away, and I went for his sore spot – something I’d be dying to say for YEARS, and took the brutally honest approach (which although in theory sounds good, never, never works). So now it’s strained and I’m sure it’s probably a good thing. Maybe now I’ll get the clarity I need. I just don’t think it has to be this hard. Sure, good relationships are work and they should be, but I don’t want to feel like I’m fighting for it all the time. I want a guy who KNOWS he wants to be with me, and move past the baggage to do it. I’m tired of feeling like I have convince him that it’s his own idea to want to be with me.

To make matters worse, I emailed my best friend about what I was thinking and what I was going through, and she took two sentences to give me her thoughts before she went on about her love life. Now, she’s always made it about her but she can balance it well. But she’s in her first serious relationship. They’ve been dating for two months, and she moved in. For financial reasons, before they met the parents, before they said I love you (although that has since happened). And I love her and I love that she is happy but OMG, seriously??! Seriously. And I can’t say anything, she’s in charge of her own life – although if the situation was reversed… I don’t know, this is probably an additional post. I don’t want to be a whiny and poor me, and I know that I am probably bitter and jealous, which makes me feel worse.

I know it’s just a matter of time, before everything is revealed to me, with the job (please, a job!) and the location and I’ll look back at this and be happy I went through it, because it will bring me to place I only prayed would happen to me. But right now, I’d rather just sleep until I can wake up and everything feels normal again.

*Driving back, I thought of numerous other phrases like:

– What would Obama do?

– Obama is my homeboy (which is not original)

– Obama is the passenger in my car

– Obama 3:16


musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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