Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Most improved player

Posted on: April 29, 2008

I had my final counseling session today. It was actually supposed to be last Thursday afternoon but I spaced and missed it. I was thrown off by a surprise phone interview complete with asking for a salary range. Who does that on the 2nd interview?? Apparently I was reading blogs or writing blogs or something and didn’t realize I had missed it until I got in the car.

I felt more stupid than anything. 1) One of the small changes I’ve decided to make in my life, and therefore PROCLAIMED loudly every session, was to utilize my planner so that I can exert a little more control. (or feel like I do) To the point that I become one with it. As in if there was a fire in my house, I’m grabbing my cat, my wallet and my planner. To illustrate this point, I brought my planner to every session after my proclamation. So to FORGET and just not show up to an appointment… what kind of progress is THAT??

2) I knew that my counselor would be doing an evaluation of me as part of her training and I REALLY REALLY didn’t want it to state “Client was making very good progress but failed to show up for her last session. Clearly she has resorted to coping mechanisms and therefore I am unable to properly evaluate her”. Or something. I wanted her to be able to have an complete evaluation and basically I wanted to finish strong, or some other competitive metaphor.

So I rescheduled and went back in today. It was good and nice and whatever but I’m a little bit annoyed. My counseling is done on campus and is free. Therefore I have a doctoral student who is my counselor and I’m sure does some sort of evaluation on me as part of her training. I really don’t mind she’s not licensed. For one, it’s a strong program here and two, I kind of like her. She’s a great listener and she really came around and started hitting me with the heavy stuff a couple months ago. I was scared we’d be on the break up FOREVER (although… probably still needed).

Anyway, I’ve noticed progress and a change within myself. I can FEEL it. I’m starting to release this control grip I have over everything and I’m starting to trust. It’s been good.

But today, we are literally 10 minutes from the end of the session, and I ask if she can help me process through a fairly large (on a grad school budget) frivolous purchase (which I’m embarrassed to admit here but I’m sure you will be able to figure it out soon) I am thinking going to make. I sort of discuss my reasons and thought I made sense. She countered with some other valid points but I still held my ground

And she goes… “Well, I do think that you have been and are consistently motivated by external factors, whereas you should be motivated internally”.

HOLD THE PHONE. What??

A) She is totally right. I am motivated by external factors, I don’t put myself first, yada yada, it all makes sense to me. In fact, I think it’s the missing link.

B) This is the FIRST thing she’s done in all of our sessions together that remotely resembles a challenge from her to me. A challenge I could really dive into and explore.

Then she finishes her thought, with my mouth agape trying to register and linking everything in my life together, and looks on the clock and states, “We’re out of time”. She smiles and wishes me luck and that’s it.

That’s IT!! Done.

Totally well worth it, love the concept of self exploration, value counseling and psychology, but seriously, could we have gotten to this in March??

Since I will be embarking on this self exploration alone this summer, maybe I should also explore why I’m so competitive with my own counselor?? I mean, coming up with conclusions before she does, holding my ground, countering her points with more of my own… really? There’s no winners in therapy, right? Aren’t we all winners for even making the effort??

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Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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