Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Existentialists, I apologize

Posted on: April 9, 2008

Dear Ex,

What’s up? As you know I’m dealing with a fairly significant life decision at the moment, do I move to Georgia or return to Chicago? And as of 3pm this afternoon, let’s throw Boston into the mix. I realize that I do not actually have offers yet. But I’m going on campus and I’m a finalist and as far as I’m concerned it’s my job to lose. I OWN those jobs, because the new me, the one you had the distinct judgment to decide you no longer want a relationship with only to sort of change your mind and ‘come to your senses’, that one… well, that’s just how she rolls.

Now, I know the break up was not just one sided. It was very much a mutual decision. I had, for probably a year too long, observed the constant changing of your mind on a spectrum of things. The marriage and family thing, while not initially a big deal slowly became one for me and it manifested into a deal breaker. One from which I will not budge. But you, you who wanted nothing to do with it, were proving in every which way that you had the capability to change your mind again on those issues. I wasn’t going to make you, but I knew (and I know) that once you finally grow a pair and deal with your daddy issues, that will be the direction you will head. I had hoped it would be with me.

So when we resumed this “friendship” that felt an awful lot like our old relationship, I think we both drifted into the fantasy realm of what could be. I know I did. Again. You have that effect on me. And honestly, telling me things like you can’t imagine being with anyone else does. not. help. So for your future’s sake, don’t say that unless you are willing to deal with the sincerity of those words and the feelings of the one who hears it.

I should have known better. I should have known better not to discuss the stress of the impending decision of where I will live with you. For one, things like “I could be a Red Sox fan but I could never be a Braves fan” are not proper responses to an ex-girlfriend, implying you would be willing to move, or to a Cubs fan, for that matter. WGN will reach me, thanks. Also trivializing my need to process should not be chalked up to something, which is “very first year grad student”. As long as I’m ripping you a new one, I will go on to respond that I study College Student Development and processing is very key to reaching a student. It allows them to understand their own empowerment and move them towards a decision and it’s healthy. You of all people know how much I keep to myself, and having an outlet to process is GOOD for me. It is helping me become the person I want to become.

Additionally, I get that you are a contrarian and an extistentialist. But you know how much I hate after I pour out my stresses and worries to you that your answer is always “It is what it is.” THIS does not help. At all. I hated it when we were together, and you knew that. I asked for more empathy and you have none to give. I adjusted. But I hate it still. It is demoralizing and is no way helpful to someone to whom you agreed you’d listen. I’d rather not have said anything at all.

This letter is not one of negativity though because today taught me something. I learned that I can’t deal with someone of your personality, or maybe the caricature you want everyone to believe. Those crazy ideas of maybe, just maybe we needed some space to grow to make this work for good, that thought is gone. I need someone who WANTS to grow. I want someone who is okay with being himself and does not have this facade all the time. Someone who doesn’t think empathy is a weakness but the best part of a person. And for the love of all that is holy, not a fricking existentialist. “It is what it is”… what IS that?? Answer that, my friend!

For whatever reason, I’ve had a hard time letting you go. Letting you move on and most importantly, releasing me from the bag of bricks around my feet in this river I feel swept away in. You have shown me that it is more important to me to find the love I need, no matter the time I’ve invested in you/us or the age I am, and I’m determined to get to shore and happen upon it. Today, I guess I needed your contrary and unsupportive viewpoints to the things that are most important to me, right now.

I wish you luck, I hope you do discover your potential and stop hiding behind baggage because it hurts to much to deal. You were, are, and always will be a good person and I hope you allow yourself to feel that. If you need me, i would not turn you away, but give me a lot of time and distance, either literally or figuratively.

It feels good and empowering to have this non discussion with you. I wish you would understand me enough to let me get through it.

Best wishes,

LifeisBusting

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1 Response to "Existentialists, I apologize"

I am so proud of you for writing this out!! I can see that graduate school is working it’s magic and empowering you as well!

Trust. And things will fall into place. I promise, promise, promise.

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Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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