Life is Busting out ALL Over!


Posted on: February 29, 2008

I think I must be genuinely naive. I’m sure in some instances it’s an endearing quality. But quite frankly I feel like I should be better than that. I knew going into this year I would be faced with some changes. Honestly, I thought most of my changes had already happened. Naivete alert! Isn’t constantly changing and evolving a good thing? Doesn’t that mean one is open to possibility and therefore enjoying life?? I would think so. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that before.

But when I think back to when I was 22 and 26, ages in which significant movement happened in my life, I was so different at each of those points. Like moving towards the next destination on a very long track. I’ve come such a long way and I thought any changes still to occur would certainly not be as shape shifting as those prior. Haven’t I grown up enough to stop shifting into completely unrecognizable shapes?

This week was a tough one for me emotionally. For every reason and no reason at all. Not that this needs to be justified because I support mental well being, but I started going to the counseling center on campus. Mostly because it’s free and also because I wanted to make the most of whatever changes I’d be going through. I didn’t expect much. My counselor is a lovely doctoral student, who does a very good job of listening but not so much in the challenging department. I was a little disappointed that we have been spending the last couple months discussing the break up – although the timing of those sessions was perfect. I had gotten a little frustrated because I felt like I was just talking and not getting anywhere. Last week, however, was different. I thought I’d had talked the break up out, although I know this not to be true, but we moved into a discussion in which I had to start to face some truths about myself.

Truths that I didn’t even know lay within every fiber of my being. They are difficult truths. And one truth is so shocking that I didn’t even think to associate with me. The truth is I’m a control freak. My outward self, judging by my clothes and my mess of an apartment are real examples to me that I couldn’t possibly be controlling. In fact, I’ve noticed how laid back I’ve become over the years, that the control couldn’t possibly there. It’s there alright. With every thought, it is the puppet master of my mind. It is the truth that keeps me from living in the present but rather supplies all my worries about the future, the worries I can’t possibly control. It is the truth that keeps me from facing my own medical history truth, no, facts. The ones I push out of my mind because it’s easier not to deal. It is the truth that keeps me from having faith that I will be okay, I will be loved, and I will make the right decisions.

It is also the one truth that if faced, will significantly change my life. The worry of being stuck will never be a possibility. The life full of passion, I so desperately hope for and have waited for it to start, will happen.

It’s ugly in its’ parts. But it is one I have to face, it is undeniably the truth I internally hoped to face and went looking for. So I’m going to face it no matter the pain it will cause me or the hurt I don’t want to feel. Perhaps once I do, I can find comfort in my changes and finally pull into the station and stay for awhile.


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musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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