Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Stuck on you

Posted on: February 20, 2008

I’ve always told myself that I didn’t want to be that person that was just “stuck”. Stuck in a job that you can’t leave because financially it keeps you there. Stuck in a relationship in which you know you deserve better. Stuck in a dead-end town where you feel time stands still and the world “out there” was where you long to be.

Sidenote: I am a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen, more specifically 1975 Bruce – I could care less what he did after Born to Run. Anyway, all of his songs on Born to Run are about getting out of town. So now when I think of small towns, I can’t just say “small towns”, they have become “dead-end towns” or “two-light towns”. All thanks to Bruce. Bruuuuuuuuce.

For the last two years, I felt stuck in job(s) within an industry I was no longer interested. I was fortunate to make changes and start over, in a new career. However grad school was the cost of entry. And now there are less than five months until graduation, and I do  not know where I’ll be working, or living, or what I will be paid. I feel like there are too many loose ends, too many options – the fact that I have no idea how to get to a single one, the right one.

And while I’m pleased with my decision, it’s meant there have been significant changes. I look at my life before and after grad school. The woman before grad school,  is slowly becoming a distant memory. I have no idea who she is and I certainly do not resemble her any longer. For somethings (open mindedness, compassionate, less self centered) this is a good thing, for others (my body, my endurance) this is not.

I thought I had worked so hard on developing my own identity, particularly in the last couple of years, that now… now, I’m not sure any of it is left.  I wish I could look at this future of open possibility as a good thing, but I can’t. It scares me. And the lack of control as I feel myself changing and distancing myself from what I once was, overwhelms me.

I feel like a piece of paper in the wind, blowing around and around until it’s calm enough to settle. I’m fighting the wind every step of the way. I’m going to try to learn to let go, to learn to have “faith” in whatever happens, happens. But honestly, when I think of my future and what I look forward to most is a the spot I find for myself, where I can settle into a home, a job, a life, and a love and well, stick.


1 Response to "Stuck on you"

I think I love this post. Like, a lot.

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musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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