Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Archive for February 2008

I think I must be genuinely naive. I’m sure in some instances it’s an endearing quality. But quite frankly I feel like I should be better than that. I knew going into this year I would be faced with some changes. Honestly, I thought most of my changes had already happened. Naivete alert! Isn’t constantly changing and evolving a good thing? Doesn’t that mean one is open to possibility and therefore enjoying life?? I would think so. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that before.

But when I think back to when I was 22 and 26, ages in which significant movement happened in my life, I was so different at each of those points. Like moving towards the next destination on a very long track. I’ve come such a long way and I thought any changes still to occur would certainly not be as shape shifting as those prior. Haven’t I grown up enough to stop shifting into completely unrecognizable shapes?

This week was a tough one for me emotionally. For every reason and no reason at all. Not that this needs to be justified because I support mental well being, but I started going to the counseling center on campus. Mostly because it’s free and also because I wanted to make the most of whatever changes I’d be going through. I didn’t expect much. My counselor is a lovely doctoral student, who does a very good job of listening but not so much in the challenging department. I was a little disappointed that we have been spending the last couple months discussing the break up – although the timing of those sessions was perfect. I had gotten a little frustrated because I felt like I was just talking and not getting anywhere. Last week, however, was different. I thought I’d had talked the break up out, although I know this not to be true, but we moved into a discussion in which I had to start to face some truths about myself.

Truths that I didn’t even know lay within every fiber of my being. They are difficult truths. And one truth is so shocking that I didn’t even think to associate with me. The truth is I’m a control freak. My outward self, judging by my clothes and my mess of an apartment are real examples to me that I couldn’t possibly be controlling. In fact, I’ve noticed how laid back I’ve become over the years, that the control couldn’t possibly there. It’s there alright. With every thought, it is the puppet master of my mind. It is the truth that keeps me from living in the present but rather supplies all my worries about the future, the worries I can’t possibly control. It is the truth that keeps me from facing my own medical history truth, no, facts. The ones I push out of my mind because it’s easier not to deal. It is the truth that keeps me from having faith that I will be okay, I will be loved, and I will make the right decisions.

It is also the one truth that if faced, will significantly change my life. The worry of being stuck will never be a possibility. The life full of passion, I so desperately hope for and have waited for it to start, will happen.

It’s ugly in its’ parts. But it is one I have to face, it is undeniably the truth I internally hoped to face and went looking for. So I’m going to face it no matter the pain it will cause me or the hurt I don’t want to feel. Perhaps once I do, I can find comfort in my changes and finally pull into the station and stay for awhile.

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I never would have guessed how strong a friendship could be from a random meeting. You are one of the most amazing people I know. Your friendship gives me strength and comfort.

(I used 32 words because I realized my last one only used 28. hee hee!).

This comic made me think of your spot-on anger on what the media has “deemed” the hot topic of this Democratic primary:

natalie dee
nataliedee.com

In other non-related but equally awesome news:

There was one of those warehouse bargain clothing sales on campus yesterday. Actually some decent stuff but run by what I could only think were carnies from a traveling amusement park. If that wasn’t entertaining in of itself I actually bought two cute dresses and a cute pair of fashionable pants, which I hope are still fashionable. But my best find was a pair of men’s pajama pants, which I LOVE as a clothing category. They look like a patch work quilt and are super comfy and only $5 and they are super long, which = super YAY. I’ve been living in them. Tonight I found two holes between some of the patches.

It made me love them even more.

One of the blogs I enjoy most employs a project, in which you state 365 people you have known and write a short blurb about them, based on a pre-set amount of words. I want to dive a little deeper into my own life and think this would be a perfect way to do it. More info on this project can be found here. I’m choosing 30 words to say; partly because I’m trying to embrace my age but also because I need to learn to be more concise.

LDM 2007 – present

I was surprised you asked me to dinner just to have some time alone with me. “How have we not been friends our whole lives?” you asked.

Agreed.

I’ve always told myself that I didn’t want to be that person that was just “stuck”. Stuck in a job that you can’t leave because financially it keeps you there. Stuck in a relationship in which you know you deserve better. Stuck in a dead-end town where you feel time stands still and the world “out there” was where you long to be.

Sidenote: I am a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen, more specifically 1975 Bruce – I could care less what he did after Born to Run. Anyway, all of his songs on Born to Run are about getting out of town. So now when I think of small towns, I can’t just say “small towns”, they have become “dead-end towns” or “two-light towns”. All thanks to Bruce. Bruuuuuuuuce.

For the last two years, I felt stuck in job(s) within an industry I was no longer interested. I was fortunate to make changes and start over, in a new career. However grad school was the cost of entry. And now there are less than five months until graduation, and I do  not know where I’ll be working, or living, or what I will be paid. I feel like there are too many loose ends, too many options – the fact that I have no idea how to get to a single one, the right one.

And while I’m pleased with my decision, it’s meant there have been significant changes. I look at my life before and after grad school. The woman before grad school,  is slowly becoming a distant memory. I have no idea who she is and I certainly do not resemble her any longer. For somethings (open mindedness, compassionate, less self centered) this is a good thing, for others (my body, my endurance) this is not.

I thought I had worked so hard on developing my own identity, particularly in the last couple of years, that now… now, I’m not sure any of it is left.  I wish I could look at this future of open possibility as a good thing, but I can’t. It scares me. And the lack of control as I feel myself changing and distancing myself from what I once was, overwhelms me.

I feel like a piece of paper in the wind, blowing around and around until it’s calm enough to settle. I’m fighting the wind every step of the way. I’m going to try to learn to let go, to learn to have “faith” in whatever happens, happens. But honestly, when I think of my future and what I look forward to most is a the spot I find for myself, where I can settle into a home, a job, a life, and a love and well, stick.


Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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