Life is Busting out ALL Over!


Posted on: July 7, 2007

This past week of no work – of slowing down and taking break – has led me to actually think about my life. I wish I were an existentialist, like R, because I think it would make this process so much easier. I would think something like “I cannot change things so I will let life be” and be on my merry way and start cleaning or grocery shopping or some shit.

Instead, being an overanalyzing, somewhat regretful, and neurotic person, I take every thought as it comes and roll it into another. And slowly, like in a cartoon, this small ball of worry and regret and anxiety starts down the hill and with every day gathers more speed and girth and envelopes me crushing me and spraying little Greenleafgal atoms into the air as it spins down its path.

Now that you are thoroughly confused, I’ll tell you what this resulted in was a series of realizations. Realizations that I’m not happy with but I cannot change.

Most realizations I have in life are followed with some sort of change: I realized that marketing left me empty and working with college students inspired me, so I realized to pursue a master’s degree in hopes of obtaining a career doing what I love to do. That was a hard one but a positive step.

This week, having time to myself, I realized the following:

– I am not happy with the weight I’ve gained. I’m not happy being ok with sloth. I know that the solution is to lose it and start exercising but I have issues with this in my past and I’m not sure the way to start without focusing on the fat.

– I feel like I have no friends. This sounds overly dramatic and it probably is. Of course I have friends and I know they would be there for me in a second. However, the friend shift, the one where everyone couples off and gets married and moves to the suburbs and/or has babies. Yeah, that one? That one has happened. It was gradual and now I’m realizing that the playground is empty. Worse still, is that they don’t seem to miss it! Now this could be a whole other post (and it will someday believe) me and I know I’m not going to crazy because my best friend and I had this conversation the other day: What the hell happened? I realized also that I need to make new friends and that grad school will lend itself to that but still, it doesn’t help the loneliness.

– I am a slob. This one is easier because I just need to deep clean. I’m lacking the motivation although I can feel it brewing, boy, down deep inside. I imagine tomorrow I will be a cleaning machine.

– Leaving and more importantly, missing, R will be much harder on me than I thought. Currently he is in somewhere, Wisconsin running a camp for junior high kids. He left four days after I did last week and comes back tomorrow. While I was gone, it was easy because I was focused on so much all the time. He, however, left sweet voicemail and text messages me until he left for camp. Since then, even with shotty reception up ‘dar don’tcha know, we’ve managed to connect pretty much every day. Since I’ve been back this apartment seems so empty. I didn’t realize how much we truly partner in everything, not just spending nights and meals together, but just our thoughts and opinions. Laughing at Entourage wasn’t as fun. Finding out about the Kwik-E-Mart on the South side wasn’t as thrilling. I credit myself as an independent woman so I think this realization came as a shock. However, it makes me start to dread leaving and the loneliness those first couple of weeks will be.

– I am a horrible mixologist. In attempt to lighten up my cabernet, I added some Dr Pepper just for kicks. It was HORRIBLE – flash backs to gagging on Robitussin came to mind. BLECH!

At any rate, I feel like I have all these things in my head with no where to put them. I suppose these come with the territory of growing up, pursuing your dreams and being in a relationship and I know I’ll get through it.


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musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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