Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Archive for July 2007

Less than two weeks to the big move folks. Meltdowns have started. My poor mom got the worst of it today. R is out in West By-God-Smile-When-You-Say-It Virginia making the world a better place, which makes me feel guilty for missing him.

This weekend I got a chance to see different friends on Friday, Saturday, and today, all of us trying to say our goodbyes without it being good byes. Tomorrow will be my best friend.

And I haven’t started packing or even wanting to GO THROUGH stuff. I’m in denial, this is not good folks.

So here are some words to myself, that I’d like myself to think about:

“This is the biggest goal you have ever had, and you are starting it. Can you believe it? Remember when it was something you tucked away in the back of your head. This is it!”

“You are finally doing what you love to do, how many people are that lucky??”

“You’ve never doubted this the right decision.”

“Remember how scared you when you were driving to college for the first time, or leaving to travel on your own for a year. Remember how quickly you adjusted and the comfort you felt? and the experiences you had there. This will take time but it will be an unforgettable opportunity, just like those.”

“You are strong and you can get through it.”

“You will remember how to study.”

“You will make friends.”

“This is your journey, unique and marching to a different drummer, just how you like it. You wouldn’t be YOU any other way.”

“No matter what, you will always be loved.”

That feels better.

So, in case you’ve been living under a rock this last week, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out on Friday. Being a more reclusive yet anxious HP fan, I put mine on reserve. I decided not to go up to Evanston to pick it up at midnight, seeing as a) street parking is horrible after 7pm, b) well, my hood is kinda scary anyway and 3) I was alone.

So Saturday, after meeting a good friend for lunch on Southport (can we talk about what a crazy place that has become?! I lived there for 3 years and it was NEVER as crowded as what I observed, not even when the Cubs were in the playoffs. INSANE. Who knew I was a trendsetter?! Ha, not.) I drove up to Evanston strumming up as many patience vibes as I could muster. Partly because the traffic on Belmont chokes me, and partly b/c I didn’t know how many little wizards I’d have to battle in line.

I must have done something good (Sound of Music, get it?) because there was no line. I was in Borders for 3 minutes tops and left very grateful.

I had planned to dive right into it on Saturday afternoon so I could finish it on Sunday. I know a lot of people who received theirs and wanted to be able to participate in the discussions.

Well, my plan was working, I burrowed on my couch with my cat sleeping on my legs, and then I dozed off for about an hour.

Then about an hour after I woke up and started reading again, I hear a key in my door and R walks in. I’m going to stray for a second here. He’s currently up in Rockford as part of a senior high service trip, hating it, but he’s there doing good work. I didn’t expect him back until Monday. He had come back to do some work stuff (he works at a church) for Sunday and decided to stop over to say hi. Well, of course stopping over turned into staying over, so my HP plans were thrown out the window, but for a good cause

** Break here for some romantical stuff, skip this section if you want to hear about the rest of the weekend **

Can I just say how awesome distance is sometimes? I mean, it’s not ideal or a remedy, but for some reason with R and myself, a couple days of not seeing each other seems to breathe new life into us. He’s normally very appreciative of me and I hear him tell me he loves me pretty much every other hour for no reason at all when we see each other constantly.

But the missing me thing, R missing me, well, that I kind of like. Not in an addictive, must have a ciggie with that beer or it’s not the same kind of buzz addiction, but one I do like. So far since I’ve been back after my week long trip in end of June/beginning of July – he was gone for a week, then was home for 2.5 weeks, gone for 5 days, will be back for 4 days, and then leaves for the Appalachian Mtns for 8 days and then 6 days later I move.

I’ve sensed a definite shift with us this summer. Most importantly, when he came with me to my parents in June and the 4 of us sat at the dinner table, it really felt like HOME. More so than any other time I’d been back in my childhood house since I moved out. He felt like family. There was some sort of really deep connection there I can’t describe. I’d watch our relationship go from excitement/lust to friendship to a partnership. And now I feel that partnership. He’s my go-to-guy. And I hadn’t realized how naturally I’ve let him in, or how he’s knocked down my walls. But lately, he’s the only one I feel that doesn’t fail me.

So my point, is that I think we’re going to make it. Not that I have doubts, but moving 4 hours away, going to graduate school, R finishing grad school, and the opportunities that lay before us after, it makes me realistic. A little protective of my heart, you know, in case. That’s just my nature. But this summer, this summer when my walls would have gone up to protect me, to just give up, the bricks and mortar are shattered, unable to be pieced together. And I don’t have any on backorder, and I don’t feel the need to place one.

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Hi, welcome back from the commercial break. Where was I, oh yes. It was great to see R, although he slept like a rock and a little to close/basically all on my side while I couldn’t sleep (again. WTF.).

This morning I got up, determined to finish the damn thing, the HP book remember? I know I get off track. Most of my friends had and darnit if I’m not competitive.

So I started at 2pm and was done by 9pm. Sure, I fit a couple of naps in, moved around to a new position on the couch every half an hour, skimmed the last 150 pages b/c I was so anxious. But I did it.

And it was worth it. The book was fantastic, somethings I was disappointed in not seeing but it was a great story.

Most importantly, I won’t have to deal with the Harry Potter craze. Ever again.

I did make it outside to get some sustenance (read: Milano cookies) and my god the weather was gorgeous. It made me ache for my old roofdeck on Belmont, somehow my current deck with its’ great view of the El tracks just doesn’t cut it, but we all now know how I feel about *that* particular area (see above).

I can’t sleep. This is the third night this week, I’ve gone to bed and then finally got up and out of bed to get on the computer in the hopes of dulling my eyes to sleep by staring at the monitor in the dark. I probably look like someone out of a Stephen King novel or a skeevy online ad.

I know there is something to this, something I don’t want to face. The only thing I can come up with is that I know I’m leaving so I don’t want to spend a single second of time sleeping while I’m here. I’m not forcing myself, and believe me I want to get to sleep.

The first night this happened, I heard gunshots in my neighborhood at 3 AM. That was fun, not fun. So that spooked me and I think I stayed up because I wanted to read and not think about it.

The night after that, I was probably used to going to bed late so I just couldn’t. Tonight, tonight, I have no idea. I even got up when boyfriend left for work this morning and did not sleep in.

However, I DID fall asleep tonight but boyfriend woke me up to tell me HE couldn’t sleep. Which doesn’t help either of us. So he’s flipping channels on the TV like a bat out of hell on ADD, which makes me completely start to wake. Next thing I know he hands me the remote, flops over and I hear soft snoring. WHAT the hell?

So I’m not sure if this is insomnia or just the fact that now I’m awake. But anyway.

Don’t hear much from the old job, which is AWESOME. However, the weirdo girl I had to go on my last business trip with 3 weeks ago?? Remember her, the one I encouraged to go on an earlier flight so I could have some peace. Yeah, well throughout our whole time together she was bitching at me about how she hated her job and that she didn’t think she would stay long. I really didn’t say much because a) after that gig, I was DONE. And I’ve been that person that wanted to be the one leaving and it sucks and b) the company would have been put in a really bad position if she left and I’m still loyal. The more time I spent with her the more I just found her to be an odd bird, but not one that you put in a museum and look at and think it’s interesting but she’s the one you wish she would just leave your yard ALREADY. By the end of the trip, I was convinced maybe the company would be better off and not the other way around.

Last week, I heard through the grapevine that this co-worker quit by leaving a voicemail that morning that she wasn’t coming in and quit!! Can you believe that?! A fricking voicemail. The funniest thing about this is that my only friend at my old company used to work with said co-worker and this same person had quit that job by a POST-IT note on her computer.

So at least I don’t have that going for me…

Oh, hello there. How are you? Is your summer flying by? Mine is. I’m moving out of state in less than a month. How do I feel? It’s crazy!

Now that I’m not working, I think it’s sunk in to everyone that I’m really leaving. So I’m getting bombarded with the emails and the calls and everyone wants to know? How are you??

All I can say is: “It’s crazy!”

Crazy, is not even a fair description of how I feel. First off, I don’t even like using the word because I despise how mental health is treated in this country and I don’t want to condone the use of this word.

But it just slips out.

Rather, what I’d love to say is “You know, I don’t know. One one hand I’m really really excited I’m doing this. I’ve never taken fully realized a goal of mine to this capacity before so I’m not sure how I should be feeling. I’m getting sad I’m leaving my comfort zone. Streets that I can navigate with my eyes closed. Knowing I can just drive an hour and see my parents when I want to. My boyfriend and I just spent two weeks apart and we were calling or texting each other every day. I have no idea how that is going to translate into one year. I also had no idea how much I missed him, how much this apartment was filled with him until he wasn’t here. Or how much I love really love him. I’m also slowly running out of money, I’ll be okay until my loans kick in but it’s not a good feeling. I wanted to truly start over, get new furniture, buy a new camera, and get one last really expensive hair cut so I could just maintain it. I’m not sure if that is in the works right now. I went down to campus this week and finalized some things and even though I treat that town like the redneck haven it is, I actually like the idea that it only takes 15 minutes at the most to go from one side to the other. That the traffic will never be as bad as Saturday afternoon traffic in the city. I’m starting to look forward to all the reading on a subject I sought out articles to read in the past, just for fun. I feel my confidence building with the knowledge that I’m going to be really, really good at this. But then yesterday, I took a walk. 2 blocks down my street. To the Beach. The beach and a park that stretches on for miles. I never knew it was there. All this time and I never took the time to walk 2 blocks down my street. I never knew what I was missing. And that scares me most of all.”

But who wants to listen to that?

This past week of no work – of slowing down and taking break – has led me to actually think about my life. I wish I were an existentialist, like R, because I think it would make this process so much easier. I would think something like “I cannot change things so I will let life be” and be on my merry way and start cleaning or grocery shopping or some shit.

Instead, being an overanalyzing, somewhat regretful, and neurotic person, I take every thought as it comes and roll it into another. And slowly, like in a cartoon, this small ball of worry and regret and anxiety starts down the hill and with every day gathers more speed and girth and envelopes me crushing me and spraying little Greenleafgal atoms into the air as it spins down its path.

Now that you are thoroughly confused, I’ll tell you what this resulted in was a series of realizations. Realizations that I’m not happy with but I cannot change.

Most realizations I have in life are followed with some sort of change: I realized that marketing left me empty and working with college students inspired me, so I realized to pursue a master’s degree in hopes of obtaining a career doing what I love to do. That was a hard one but a positive step.

This week, having time to myself, I realized the following:

– I am not happy with the weight I’ve gained. I’m not happy being ok with sloth. I know that the solution is to lose it and start exercising but I have issues with this in my past and I’m not sure the way to start without focusing on the fat.

– I feel like I have no friends. This sounds overly dramatic and it probably is. Of course I have friends and I know they would be there for me in a second. However, the friend shift, the one where everyone couples off and gets married and moves to the suburbs and/or has babies. Yeah, that one? That one has happened. It was gradual and now I’m realizing that the playground is empty. Worse still, is that they don’t seem to miss it! Now this could be a whole other post (and it will someday believe) me and I know I’m not going to crazy because my best friend and I had this conversation the other day: What the hell happened? I realized also that I need to make new friends and that grad school will lend itself to that but still, it doesn’t help the loneliness.

– I am a slob. This one is easier because I just need to deep clean. I’m lacking the motivation although I can feel it brewing, boy, down deep inside. I imagine tomorrow I will be a cleaning machine.

– Leaving and more importantly, missing, R will be much harder on me than I thought. Currently he is in somewhere, Wisconsin running a camp for junior high kids. He left four days after I did last week and comes back tomorrow. While I was gone, it was easy because I was focused on so much all the time. He, however, left sweet voicemail and text messages me until he left for camp. Since then, even with shotty reception up ‘dar don’tcha know, we’ve managed to connect pretty much every day. Since I’ve been back this apartment seems so empty. I didn’t realize how much we truly partner in everything, not just spending nights and meals together, but just our thoughts and opinions. Laughing at Entourage wasn’t as fun. Finding out about the Kwik-E-Mart on the South side wasn’t as thrilling. I credit myself as an independent woman so I think this realization came as a shock. However, it makes me start to dread leaving and the loneliness those first couple of weeks will be.

– I am a horrible mixologist. In attempt to lighten up my cabernet, I added some Dr Pepper just for kicks. It was HORRIBLE – flash backs to gagging on Robitussin came to mind. BLECH!

At any rate, I feel like I have all these things in my head with no where to put them. I suppose these come with the territory of growing up, pursuing your dreams and being in a relationship and I know I’ll get through it.

Day 4 into my summer vacation and I have determined that my natural instinct tends towards sloth.

I have done NOTHING but mainly sleep. I take that back, I got a rad new phone, I went to see my parents, I got my cat back. I have a bunch of stuff I wanted to take care of this week and I have no desire. NONE.

I feel a little down about myself for being so lazy but then I stop to think about the last 7 years since I graduated college. I have worked non stop. I worked myself to paralysis at one point (Bell’s palsy in 2002 that was fun. Not.) I have made a huge life change and I deserve to relax a little.

Sure, I’ll get to cleaning and packing and preparing but right now I’m going to enjoy it. And these little voices in my head that are telling me I need to be DOING something can just suck it.

Aaaah, that feels better.


Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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