Life is Busting out ALL Over!

If only I had a lightsaber

Posted on: May 31, 2007

This is going to be real quick because there is work here, at work, to be done.

I just need to get this out and hopefully I can concentrate.

Remember in Star Wars, that scene where Luke, Leia and Han Solo jump in to the trash compactor and they think they are safe? Then the walls, all 4 walls are closing in, with no stopping in sight and they realize they are going to get smushed? I know they get out, obviously but I really don’t care for Star Wars so I don’t remember how. That’s not the point.

The point is that this is a metaphor. And those 3 characters are me, and the walls, the walls are my life.

I have gone from the happy, blissful HOLY SH*T I’m living my dream to panic, just sheer panic. What a huge life change this will be. How am I going to do it, how am I going to pay for it. Loans, obviously – I have the tuition part paid for, but the living part – how do I do that?? And loans are not easy, my friends.

Relationship, what is going to happen. When are we finally going to have that talk – and can I instigate into a way without exploding from the nervousness and anxiety.

Moving, I feel so isolated now from my friends who have all grown up, moved out and have their own lives and new families. What will happen when I’m 5 hours away and not able to be around? “You’ll make new friends” everyone tells me. Yes, but my new friends are going to be 22 and excited and naive and glass eyed. I’m jaded and realistic and sometimes negative and I don’t know if I can relate.

And here – my replacement – the chaos I need to organize before Monday. And the fact that I won’t be here in July. Well, honestly that is a relief. I’m looking forward to not working for 6 weeks before I leave.

It’s all too much and I’m looking for a way out, as I always do. But I know I have to relax and focus on stopping one wall at a time.

But in the meantime I will be FREAKING OUT. And those negative thoughts and doubts are going to get louder and louder.

I just have to have faith that I will make it through – I always do.

I apologize for my writing, I’m do not write prose. This is boring but it helps me to get it out. It will all come out at somepoint to someone anyway. And here is where I start.

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Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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