Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Sticks and Stones…

Posted on: May 14, 2007

When I was really little I used to have these horrible dreams/nightmares/hallucinations whenever I was sick with a fever. I can remember them so vividly… and they always were the same while I was feverish.

I am in my backyard, at the end of the yard is a growth of tree limbs overgrown on top of each other (think LOST style, not Hansel and Gretel). This was odd because my back yard didn’t really have trees at all, and there was a fence. At any rate* I would wander into that forest and get really, really lost. I would have to climb over them to even “get through” it. It wouldn’t end. It just got darker and darker.

I’d wake up sweating (from the fever, obvi) but really upset. I’m sure as a kid it was really scary to be lost in an unfamilar place, even if it was a dream.

I feel like I’m living this dream everyday. Here. Files are completely disorganized, handed down over the years, responsibilities changing every time the power that be changes her mind. I don’t make excuses, I do not get defensive therefore I am the one that gets beat up all the time.

Well, it’s over. I’m done. I am leaving in less than three months (should I have a countdown?) and I’m following my heart. It’s a shame that one day I got bored in my old job, thought it was crap and now I would give anything to feel that good again, that needed, that appreciated. It happened for a reason, I moved on and it gave me the strenght to fulfill a dream. I am grateful but I simply do not know how I’m going to dig deep to come here every day.

I will not be the cat you can kick, the one you can pick on, anymore. I’m done.

*So, annoying petty rant here: Yesterday I went home to my parents for dinner. I invited my best friend who now lives in the same suburb. My parents love her, she adores them. Not sure if she is not getting enough attention or something, but she pointed out that I say “At any rate” A LOT. To the point that it was annoying her. My mom said it (must be where I get it from) and she goes “Oh my god, you say it too! Greenleafgal says it like 100x a day!!” Excuse me? I won’t go into details because it’s not worth it, at the core she is my best friend that will not change. But the last 2 years we’ve just grown apart, and I’ve found myself questioning and learning about the world around me, and while she seems to have stayed in an isolated bubble (doesn’t know why people hate SUVs, I mean she drives one and doesn’t care if it hurts the environment. Say What?). And that bugs me.

I feel like a jerk for saying this. I love her and I would do anything for her but I just wish I didn’t have to wait for her to get her head out of her own ass.

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Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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