Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Archive for May 2007

This is going to be real quick because there is work here, at work, to be done.

I just need to get this out and hopefully I can concentrate.

Remember in Star Wars, that scene where Luke, Leia and Han Solo jump in to the trash compactor and they think they are safe? Then the walls, all 4 walls are closing in, with no stopping in sight and they realize they are going to get smushed? I know they get out, obviously but I really don’t care for Star Wars so I don’t remember how. That’s not the point.

The point is that this is a metaphor. And those 3 characters are me, and the walls, the walls are my life.

I have gone from the happy, blissful HOLY SH*T I’m living my dream to panic, just sheer panic. What a huge life change this will be. How am I going to do it, how am I going to pay for it. Loans, obviously – I have the tuition part paid for, but the living part – how do I do that?? And loans are not easy, my friends.

Relationship, what is going to happen. When are we finally going to have that talk – and can I instigate into a way without exploding from the nervousness and anxiety.

Moving, I feel so isolated now from my friends who have all grown up, moved out and have their own lives and new families. What will happen when I’m 5 hours away and not able to be around? “You’ll make new friends” everyone tells me. Yes, but my new friends are going to be 22 and excited and naive and glass eyed. I’m jaded and realistic and sometimes negative and I don’t know if I can relate.

And here – my replacement – the chaos I need to organize before Monday. And the fact that I won’t be here in July. Well, honestly that is a relief. I’m looking forward to not working for 6 weeks before I leave.

It’s all too much and I’m looking for a way out, as I always do. But I know I have to relax and focus on stopping one wall at a time.

But in the meantime I will be FREAKING OUT. And those negative thoughts and doubts are going to get louder and louder.

I just have to have faith that I will make it through – I always do.

I apologize for my writing, I’m do not write prose. This is boring but it helps me to get it out. It will all come out at somepoint to someone anyway. And here is where I start.


So having a nice 3 day weekend was awesome!! Even though I thought yesterday was Sunday and got really confused when I went to watch Entourage.

Now that I have an actual end date… 6 weeks from Friday it makes it even harder to not just think about not having a job and chilling out and doing what needs to be done.

And I’m sure when my replacement comes next week it will be that much harder.

Fly, time, fly!

Knowledge gained from the weekend:
– Capable understanding of lacrosse. Watching the Final Four games with an ex-lax player and current coach will do that to a girl
– Margaritas are best enjoyed with a friend. That friend, S, is one hell of a friend to have.
– Cleaning is worth it.
– Walking is worth it.
– Cat hair, on the other hand, is not.
– Monday evenings go just as fast as Sundays when you have to work the next day.

I don’t care how long I live in a major metropolis, I will NEVER get used to seeing a dead rat on the sidewalk.

Running, walking to the train after work, the L, you name it.

I will NEVER learn to be OK with it.

Phone call yesterday at work:

R: Guess where I am?
Me: Brazil!
R: Um, I wish. No, I’m at the store getting us food for the dinner I’m going to make you tonight.
Me: AWESOME! What are you going to make?
R: It’s a surprise.
Me: Will I like it?
R: It will be the best thing ever.
Me: Even if it’s pork?
R: I’m not telling you what I’m making!

(3 hours later – I call him)

Me: So there isn’t anything in this “surprise” dish that I’m allergic to, is there?
R: You AREN’T allergic to any foods! I’m still not telling you what it is.
Me: Fine.

When I walked in the door, he was busy cooking away the best pasta salad I’ve ever had. It was perfect for the hot weather and chilled just how I like to eat it.

Between the dinner and watching the best two hour LOST season finale, it was a perfect night.

My co-worker walked in today sat down across from me and says “So, I totally want to hear about this school thing.”

Me: “Oh, grad school?”

It was a nice conversation actually, she is really happy for me. And frankly, it felt good not to have to not say anything anymore. Quite honestly, I didn’t think it would even take this long.

Apartment searching happened this weekend – and good god, there is no easy way to get to East Central Indiana.

Saw a lot of crap but fell in love with one with everything I’m looking for. It’s (relatively) more expensive than I wanted.

But as R pointed out last night – I’m going to be in my apartment a lot and I’ll want something I feel comfortable in. The cheap ones I saw in the speedfreaks’ neighborhood are not going to cut it.

It’s only a year, I’m thinking I might as well go for broke and just take out the loans to do it.

Why, isn’t it August yet?

First of many, I’m assuming.

I’m off to the cornfields tonight to spend tomorrow looking at apartments.

I seriously hope I find something.

Crosses fingers.

Throws salt over the shoulder.

Any other good luck/superstitious things I should be doing.

Shifts David Bowie into the CD player.

So there is this awesome and amazing series running on VH1 very randomly called ‘The Drug Years’. It chronicles the last 45 years of drugs in America and it’s impact on us culturally, criminally, economically, etc.

It’s just bloody brilliant. I have a penchant for things drugs – probably because if I did any my body would completely shut down. I loved ‘Go Ask Alice’ and I’m fascinated with addiction.

I saw it on a random lazy weekend in July and then two weekends ago it was on again. This time I recorded it. R and I watched it three days later. Even he loved it, and he hates docs.

I’m so excited because one of the commentators of the show, Martin Torgoff, wrote a book called ‘Can’t Find My Way Home: America in the Great Stoned Age 1945 – 2000.’

I found the book online and ordered it. It arrived yesterday!! I started the first chapter on the train this morning and although I’m only 10 pages in, it’s unbelievably good.

I also highly recommend the book ‘Laurel Canyon’. It documents the “magical time” of 1967 with the outshoot of folk rock, the advent of rock and the requisite drugs and sex that go along with it in the neighborhood of Laurel Canyon in LA. Lots of interviews with Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, Mama Cass, Frank Zappa, Pete Townshend all of whom lived in this really close knit utopian neighborhood during this time. It is one of the best non fiction books I’ve read.

But this new one may top it.


musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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