Life is Busting out ALL Over!

I wish I had a map

Posted on: March 30, 2007

I am drowning in my own thoughts and I’m so sick of myself I could scream.

Now that I’ve gotten into one grad school I’m reluctant to do any other applications. It’s not a bad school. It’s in Chicago, it was my second choice. I wouldn’t settle. I am waitlisted at my top choice and I’m so disappointed that I don’t want to risk it again. But it’s due Sunday and I told myself I would, so I will. I do want options.

I’m frightened beyond belief I can’t go full time and afford it. I know it will all work out but I want to know HOW. Most bothersome is my dad wants to know HOW and I want to tell him so he’ll quit asking me.

I officially hate my job. I’m sure all small companies aren’t bad but one that is run by a scatterbrained artist are definitely not for me. I’ve hated it for awhile but I’ve resisted saying so because it makes it real.

Hating my job makes me want a new job but I’m not going to start a new job because I’m going to school in 3 months. And then I find one I really like, and I question everything all over again. I’m not going to deter though.

But since my boss and my boss’ boss left and I’m doing ALL the work, it’s been so intense I can’t think straight.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been completely reactive to my life. I used to be pro-active. Now I wait until things draw me into action, bills, friends, etc. This is not me.

I also tend to be a bit of a regretter – if that is a word, which spell check is telling me it’s not, deal – I keep wishing I could go back to 2004 when I was safe and I could stop myself from making the career choices I did. That sucks too.

And I got into an accident last week – my fault – no damage to me but some paint rubbed off of JERKFACE’s bumper. Who I wanted to calmly settle this claim but now he’s raised his damages to $500 more than his repair shop quoted. Sorry buddy, you can deal with my insurance now.

R’s been great – he knows I’m in a funk but isn’t pushing me. Although his joke telling rises during this time, which is nice until he reaches into his bad jokes.

All I know is that I want to get in my car and drive far away from here. That’s not fair, to me, to R, to my friends and my family.

So I’ve made an appointment with a therapist to get through some of this stuff. I’m sick of letting the fear win. It’s not going to win this time.

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Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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