Life is Busting out ALL Over!

I can’t do it.

Posted on: February 17, 2007

Not tonight anyway. I had mapped out today as the day that I was going to wrap up my essay for one of my applications (read: start). It’s on my future goals with this degree.

The problem is nailing down my future goals. This degree is my future! I have ideas of what I want to do, but I want to leave myself open to any experience that comes my way. I got boxed in during undergrad and feel like it really screwed with my head, I’m still feeling it. I tried all week to focus an answer around one direction. Then I decided to go balls out and just be honest.

Now I can’t write a damn thing.

In the meantime, I found this guy’s blog called a The Year after the Break Up – and it’s so engrossing and heartbreaking. I can feel the pain he must have had and he’s so into feeling the pain that it makes me cry. And now my head is all out of whack.

I had an amazing night with R last night. We celebrated our quasi-Valentine’s day since he forgot his card on Wednesday. We had sushi in Evanston and then came back to eat ice cream and watch Grey’s Anatomy and Half Nelson. Half Nelson is an amazing movie, so outstanding and Ryan Gosling killed it. (and quite possibly is the hottest man on earth) Essentially the movie is about Gosling, who is a teacher in the Bronx but also has a huge crack habit. It deals with his struggle as a teacher but also the crack. It’s so amazingly awesome.

We paused the movie several times to talk. We discussed the philosophies of Hume and Kant (they are touched upon in the movie) for awhile. I learn so much from R, he is a philosophy nut and I was so traumatized by reading Greek mythology in high school that I avoided anything Greek later in my studies – which included philosophy because of Aristotle. The best thing about R and I is our discussions. At the beginning of our relationship they were the getting to know you stuff – stories from our childhood, relating our life experiences to each other. Now, they fall more and more into the political and spiritual realm.

R is a student of religion and works as a youth minister. He’s on the liberal side of things so it is so empowering to hear him relate religion because for the first time in my life it is in a context I can relate. Our discussions after the movie were just as animated and covered his thoughts if he could pick a theme for Lent. (It would be “Holy shit! We killed our God!) I just feel so lucky for a night like last night. Not because I need a reminder of the core of our relationship but because those times when our connection shines so bright I get blinded, leaves me with a high. One I needed after the longest week of work ever.

But it’s rendered me useless. It was worth it.


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musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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