Life is Busting out ALL Over!

Thursday = Tears

Posted on: January 18, 2007

I apologize … I had some great things to say about an hour ago and now my eyes are puffy and it’s hit me how tired I am. But I feel like pouring my heart out for some reason so I’m going to roll with it. And yes, I realize that I’m writing about a TV SHOW but hey, get it where you can find it, right?

Anyway, my lack of tears last week during Grey’s Anatomy was definitely because they ALL, and I mean ALL came out this week. This was worse than Denny’s death (spoiler, oops!) for me. Wow, and I’m going to have to watch it all over again when bf (boyfriend – I’m sick of writing it out and I think it makes me look pompous) comes over tomorrow to watch. gah. I’ve had a really rough week at work – and held in a lot and clearly it came out.

I actually don’t mind crying every Thursday. I actually look forward to it – I’ve never been an emotional person. I remember when my Grandpa G died, my dad’s father, and it was awful because I was close to him. And it was the first time my dad cried in front of me and I realized that he, being human, is vulnerable too. But I was 19 and just finished my freshman year of college with 10 months of drinking with a fake ID under my belt and I was really cocky. My dad delivered the eulogy and broke up throughout the entire thing. I didn’t cry once. At the Bavarian German restaurant where we all held a little party afterwards (’cause in Minnesohta – that’s what you do, yah) I walked up to my dad and told him that I was so proud because I didn’t cry once. He looked at me with the “It’s 2 hours past curfew and where the HELL have you been” look and said to me: “Greenleaf, it is never a proud moment when you don’t want to feel any emotion.” My dad is zen when he wants to be but I felt like the biggest dick.

But by my mid-twenties I became the all encompassing emotional person – it may have been the consistent birth control or that I had soften but my empathy was all consuming and I could cry at the drop of a hat. I like having Thursdays to myself – I usually go to the diner that’s on my way home from the train, read the paper, go home and pour myself a glass of wine and then ball my eyes out. It makes me feel human, real, as opposed to the robot I tend to be at work.

Tonight got me thinking about bf and daddy issues. Mostly how I feel so lucky that I have an active father, who is IN my life – who is one of my closest friends. My mom and I are not that close – my little sister was really sick when she was born, as in almost died sick, this is not the reason we are not as close but I think there are issues rooted there – and my mom spent most nights in the hospital for awhile and my dad took care of me. I don’t remember any of this – although I did remember that he was the one that washed our hair and cut our bangs (unfortunately I have photo proof of that). My sister always defaulted to my mom and I guess I defaulted to my dad. Bf’s dad in all honesty should never have been one. His wife deserved better and his kids deserved better. And unfortunately, he waited 25 years into the marriage to realize it and left. I’d like to see some studies on divorce when it happens to grown kids vs younger kids. I think when you are an adult and then your family breaks up it scars you more.

Bf’s dad died two weeks before our first date. He told me all about him on our second date. I realized that this was a big deal and he was really intense with me in the beginning, it scared me but didnt’ scare me at the same time. I saw red flags though, because that’s what I do/did and told him that I really liked him and wanted to date but that if he was substituting his grief with me, that his long term happiness is more important than my short term happiness. I’ll never forget it because he looked at me and said “Greenleaf, I lost my dad a long time ago, my parent died last month.” He was in grad school at the time and Northwestern made him go to grief counselling (good move) but he got a student who was more concern with the mental health of the woman he was dating than getting to any root issues (uh… quoi?) Anyway his dad has come up time and time again in our relationship.

He told me early on that he didn’t want to get married and have kids because he’s afraid of turning out like his dad. I empathized because I was 26 and by then I was sweating empathy and really didn’t know what to say. My dad told me he loved me, told me he was proud of me, played catch with me, even after I nailed him in places you don’t want to think about your dad having. Bf’s did NONE of that – he never heard him say “I love you” his dad never went to one lacrosse game to see his son, the one that won a full ride to college to play lacrosse, and never played catch with him even though he played in MAJOR LEAGUES for one year. In many ways I’m glad I’ll never have to see his dad because I would kick him in those parts you don’t want to think of dads having.

The whole marriage thing is another topic for another time – but I think it’s a wimp move for bf to take – why not be the dad you want to be, not the one you genetically are related to. Be better than the dickwad. And I know he has it in him, his best friend and his wife are pregnant and he is going to be in the room when the kid is born. He talks about his semi-nieces and nephews like they are his. I *know* that down deep he wants all that but maybe his dad experiences make him feel like he is not worth it.

We’ve talked about it and I’ve told him that he needed to deal with it (in a nicer way of course) and he is, on his own time. And after that, he’s grown and changed and melted some ice around the innards of his heart and I’m seeing the man I always knew was there – that I saw in moments but most especially during that “intense” time.

If this was a research paper, I’d get a F for it because I have no thesis BUT I’m speaking with dead people this weekend. I’m going to a family party and they have a medium who the have had sessions with (my family parties usually have my mom’s amazing crab dip but hey to each their own) and I have an appointment. I want his dad to come through and I want to know the real deal. Bf will never believe anything I come back with because theologically he totally disagrees with this type of thing. (Dating a theologian who is a brainiac is really hard in these cases because he says throws theories out by Kant and other big words and I defend myself by saying that I’m an explorer?! yeah..) I’m totally intrigued by seeing this medium – my co-worker just did the same thing last weekend and what she told her was freaky!

Disclaimer: I feel like I should, bf is not fucked up any more than I am and I have an intact family – he still makes me feel like I’m the only one in the room, I feel safe and loved like I have never felt in my life. But this issue is like a cowlick – the rest of the head of hair is fine but there’s these one piece that sticks up and out and no matter how much mousse you put on it, it still wants to stick out. And maybe that’s ok, maybe that hair was meant to be perpendicular – maybe that’s what it was put there for…. this is also not a judgment on children of divorced parents… just some thoughts. Send hate mail to Grey’s Anatomy. Thank you.

So to recap: It’s good to cry… Dads are important… This is not meant to offend… I’m an explorer.
Good night Chicago!

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Synopsis

musings and panic attacks of a Chicago girl embarking on a new life in Texas. Only it's not always June and it's not in song.

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