I view Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in a whole new light now. But wouldn’t rehab be nice? It should have really great beds that you can just sink into, making sleep so easy. Go away for 30 days, have someone there through detox of emotions, all the sappy movies you can cry to, other people to go to group with and learn and analyze. And then when you are done, you walk out of there with behaviors in check, the fear gone and a new lease on life.

I knew this was going to happen, that I had put my heart on pause while I was in school. We’ve been broken up for 9 months, haven’t seen each other in 11 months. Now I’m back in Chicago-ish, and I’m having to really face the reality of this situation. I keep thinking I should be more moved on than I am, that I should be through the hard part. I’m not.

It’s not the break up that I’m mourning but the remnants of loving someone for 4 years. We didn’t break up because there wasn’t love there, it just wasn’t enough. When it comes down to the big values stuff, we are on two opposite sides of the spectrum. He’s been denied unconditional love from a parent and thus views life as a series of relationships and that love is the ultimate of power relationships. I believe love is a partnership, a unified front for whatever life throws your way, a foundation that can build a richer life.

We are still friends. We still communicate, but in a very technological way, no actual speaking other than through IM and text. This takes the edge off. It makes it easier for me to break down the words and the discussions and realize that he could never provide the type of relationship that creates the love we could build upon.

I do not want to get back together. Actually, I don’t know what I want anymore. I remind myself of the values I hold closest to my heart, he does not and we would continue to go round in circles. We have tried to find time to see each other, if only to exchange our “stuff”, only for him to put many other plans on many different occasions before me. I am now the only woman he wants to be with, or could ever want to be with. I have seen the light, and that is hard. I know that while he wants me, his actions have shown that he does not, nor do they show that they understand me.

My entire life has been based on the idea that I can make anything work. So what if situations occur in ways in which I did not foresee or present greater challenges? I can make it work. I will make it work. I have made it work. But this relationship? This relationship I can no longer make work. This is what I am mourning. The effort and the time I invested has left my heart little and shriveled. The greatest thing about me, that I love with every fiber and I lock it in, has left me out to dry.

So I am walking away from the one thing I could not make work. I know it’s not my fault and I know that I was put on this path to learn and nudge me to walk on one in which I will be rewarded. But the care and the love I have for him is still there, the desire for him to be happy and find what is right for him is there, even if that right thing is not me.

I know I will be okay. I really, really do. I just want to get there. I want my heart to be regrown and stronger than it was before. It will. It will be ready for that time when everything does just work, organically and instinctively, like I know I deserve. But it’s the road from here until there that is tough. The road on which I start and stop and break down and try again.

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it’s a broken part, replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it’s a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I’m doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything
Everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Is it Mother Nature’s sewing machine?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

- Details in the Fabric, Jason Mraz